G sent me a snapshot from Qatar. A few of his mates were assembled around a pool table with the footy playing the background. While one of the guys sat on the couch, another was lining up the 8 ball, there were a few half drunk beers on the table. It was all familiar to me, the house, the guys, the scenery. I knew the guys well but they looked different, a little lost, they were missing something: their kids and their partners. They were WANKERS.
Wives Away No Kids Eating Rubbish.
It’s been over a week now. G is about to enter his second weekend without us. We’re speaking every day, falling into our usual conversations. I’m missing him and feeling guilty that we’re here with family, great food and the comfort of home while he continues to work his way through summer in the Middle East. He’s turned the living room in Qatar into M.A.M.I.L. heaven (if you’re new here G is a Middle Aged Man In Lyca). the bike is up on bricks, he’s in training for when he gets home to the beach and makes his way up the Willunga Hill. The tour le G.
I’ve been interviewing women this week for the podcast, women who do this all the time. Evelyn whose husband is a WILIE (Works In London Lives In Edinburgh) and Ali whose husband is away during the week but home each weekend. Their choices were made for both financial and lifestyle reasons. Children whose school years cannot be interrupted, mortgages that need to be paid. As my girlfriend Michelle reminded me today as she cut my hair “some of us don’t have choices” her husband “works in the mines” like so many country people do these days. It’s become a part of the country vernacular “What happened to Bob?” someone will ask after the latest closure or downsize. “He works in the mines”. She giggles her way though three kids needing to go in three opposite directions for sport and play and the effect it has on her social life. People stop asking when they begin to assume you’ll be away.
There’s the upside though. The moment when you realise how much you miss something about him, the things he does that you’ve begun to take for granted. When you smile as you begin to think about him, and find ways to bring him up in conversation like a lovestruck teenager. I played my eldest a message that G had left on my phone yesterday “Oh hi there, my name’s G, a friend of mine suggested I give you a call. I’m going to be in town on July 9th and I wondered if you’d like to um, maybe get together for coffee?” she grins, this is Dad, not just full of Dad jokes, but Dad being in love with Mum.
There’s a similar message that comes through when I talk to couples who are spending time apart. Communication is the most important thing. Honesty and daily chats. If you find yourself being resentful just remember the situation you’re both in, which one would you prefer? “It could be so much worse” says Alli who knows someone who only gets to see her partner three times a year.
I miss him terribly, for a few weeks a year, how lucky am I.
Well written as usual, Kirsty.
I’m one of those who only gets to see their husband a few times a year. After living in Hong Kong for 12 years, I returned to live in Brisbane. Initially to care for my father, who had lung cancer, but deciding to stay on when we realised how well my youngest (12 year old girl) had settled in to school and life in Oz. We return to HK for each school holiday except this one, because he can only take holidays at this time of year so he comes here. You’re right – honest communication is KEY ( as well as the occasional love note 🙂 ) We have become the expat equivalent of a FIFO (fly in fly out) family. Only my husband’s “mine” is Hong Kong.
I’ve never had to do this but for just a few weeks of the year….I’d like to give it a try!! I work, live, sleep, raise kids with my husband day in and day out. Love him to bits. Distance…hmm what’s that? In 25 years we’ve been apart no longer than 3 days. Not by choice. Absence makes the heart grow stronger….anyone need to borrow a husband for a few weeks?
My girlfriends here in Oz say the same thing Sharon xx
Do you have a time limit on how long you’ll live apart Donna? One of the things that was said in the podcast interview today was that it helps to have an agreed time on how long you’ll live apart for – I thought it was great advice.
Absence makes the heart grower fonder of someone else … so take great care if you love the man and your family.
When we first made the decision, it was to be for the remainder of hubby’s current contract – 3 years, but with 2 years to go he’s already been approached to stay on after that. It’s a major discussion we’re yet to have. Longer time together over July/August will be our time for reassessment of the situation.
This is something I never ever thought we’d do – and used to think it was the worst thing to do when couples we knew did the exact same thing before we made the same decision. BUT until you’re put in that position, you don’t know what the right thing is and it was a lesson not to judge someone unless you’ve walked in their shoes. It wasn’t a decision we took lightly but ultimately decided it was the right thing for US. It isn’t easy and certainly wouldn’t be right for everyone. I think you have to confident that your marriage is strong enough to handle it. Perhaps marriages that break down through distance, would not have survived with proximity?
For financial reasons my husband took a job in South Africa whilst we were living in Hong Kong (we are a Births family). Because of the age of our children (16 & 17( we decided I would move back to the UK with them so they could learn to be British kids in the UK before they went to university. Two years later we are still living apart and I am SO FED UP explaining it to people. I try not to, it’s our business after all, but I’m so fed up of the “are you divorcing” conversation/looks/gossip that I do. We have family group texts, Skype. face time but none of it makes up for the round the dinner table conversation but we manage and it’s the right thing to do. Good luck to those doing it, you are not alone!!
Totally agree Donna xx
Not a wanker, beautiful. I do enjoy reading about happy marriages. <3
Thanks Louisa, we have to catch up this time around xx
I’m fairly sure that each year when I arrive back at my parents there are a percentage of people who decided our marriage is on the rocks and I’ve come home with the children. xx
Crazy isn’t it. When we told my father in law about our plans for leaving Hong Kong, he looked at me and said well I’d had a good holiday and now it was time to go back to real life. …. By the way, Donna (see below) and I met in Hong Kong and became very close friends. When we both left HK within two months of each other mirroring each other’s circumstances it has helped us both.
It certainly has – and still does!! Xx
Tell me about it – there is something to be said for a bit of time being apart and reminding you about the good stuff that you can miss in the daily grind