Ladies, Hang On to Your Labia.

I was standing in the car park of the little traveller’s school with a group of women. One of my friends was talking about a friend and her breast cancer recovery, she explained that the breast reconstruction was now complete and she would return to have her nipples added. There was relief that everything was okay, we’d all put ourselves in her shoes for a moment and thought about our families and how we’d cope. And then someone asked exactly how the nipples were made.”I think you can get them tattooed but they’re going to use her labia”.

I needed to make sure I had it right. Labia, on your bosoms?

I stuttered in my line of questioning, if I had this wrong it would go down in history as one of my most finest word mixes.

“I’m not sure of the technical term here, and I imagine this is highly inappropriate, but I believe the phrase from my teenage vocabulary is flaps? Are you saying they’re going to use her flaps?”

There was much giggling. Flaps were confirmed.

In an instant another girlfriend had taken the thought a step further.

She was going to be a labia donor.

“No seriously, mine are HUGE, I’d have heaps to donate”

Saving the world, one labia at a time.

It all made sense once I thought about it; the coloring, the texture, they were almost a perfect fit. A medical miracle of sorts. Imagine being the person who went to work one day thinking about nipples and eventually landed on labia “I’ve got it!”Β Which is why it’s a little more than concerning that so many young women are literally throwing their labia in the bin. With the dramatic increase in Labiaplasty, cosmetic surgeons are financing new cars, holidays and private school fees solely from someone’s concern that their vulva is a little untidy. Trust me – it’s not. We’ve all have labia – and we need keep it safely where it belongs.

On my recent trip to the urologist I was to learn that our labia have become a much coveted item. If you’ve happened to have gone through a particularly traumatic birth requiring surgery of the vajayjay kind – you may have really been very thankful for your labia in the form of a “fat pad” graft. The fat inside your labia has sent many a fistula on their way. Yep, it’s the miracle body part.

So please, ladies, don’t go getting yourself in a flap. Hang on to your labia. You just never know when you’re going to need it.

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  • Vicki @ Knocked Up & Abroad

    HA! Thanks for the afternoon giggle! Who knew flaps had so many talents?

  • Stacy

    Now I’ve heard everything! Wish I had 5 cents for every time I’ve said that lately. Life just gets more and more weird. And wonderful. Thanks for the laugh!


    • Mrs Catch

      What a great piece. You made me laugh so much.

  • Audrey

    Not sure who’s luckier, your friend for putting her labia to good use or the ladies here in Perth who have nipple reconstruction by surgical twisting the skin on the breast then tattooing. I have a gaggle of friends here who are undergoing the same reconstruction and I’ve forwarded your post. Should be fun to hear what they have to say.

    Thanks for keeping us laughing!

    • 4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle

      My boys are rather fond of the “nipple twist” . I can’t wait to tell them that there are people who do it professionally for a living! Kx

    • Audrey

      Maybe you have a future plastic surgeon on your hands.

  • seana

    Ohhhh, I think I would remain nippleless! I have no real need for a nipple these days anyway… but I need my labia to stay right where they are! Am off in Oct for a wee op down below to repair childbirth trauma from long ago… our poor secret girly parts, what they put up with!

  • Expat mum

    Gosh, I think I might just have to stick with tattoos. After all, I’m not going topless any time soon. Although,,, hang on, if you had new, pert boobies you’d be tempted wouldn’t you?

  • The Broad

    Great Post!

  • FunMumx3

    LOL who knew car park convos were so interesting. The grammar geek in me wants to say that if criterion = 1 and criteria = more than 1, does that mean that labia should only be used when there is is more than 1? Like, a pair of labia? So just 1 is labion? Even spell check is trying to correct me. Sorry, where is my mind these days? And when I was a teen? We used to call ’em pissflaps.

    • 4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle

      You are a girl close to my heart. As I began to write this post this morning I found myself googling “plural/singula of Labia” and not being happy with the results set off in search of an answer on twitter “Can someone tell me the plural of Labia??” The general consensus was Labia was both singular and plural but I, like you, kept wanting to change it to Labius or Labio or Labion. πŸ™‚ A girlfriend from my Jakarta days sent me a message today to say that one of her strongest memories of me, was my retelling of a traumatic bikini wax “she almost ripped my flaps off”.

  • Lisa Ann

    Isn’t the labia in the vagina area? Arent auriolas the colored part of the breast before the nipples? Didn’t they used to use the anus for this?? I’m just curious, thanks!

  • 4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle

    No idea. I think Auriolas was the Little Mermaid’s sister, who then turned into a very nasty troll πŸ™‚

  • wsb

    great giggle! even the comments are funny πŸ™‚

  • smellsgoodfeelsgood

    lol. I love it! You have sure given me a new perspective on labia πŸ™‚

  • mrsdsmaunderings

    bahahaha – I’m flappergasted at such a thing πŸ˜‰

  • Jane The Booklady

    OOOuch and Gosh! This post really made me laugh and then think! Imagine having sore nipples and being torn dpwn there- it would be just like being a new mother again!

  • Fraudster

    Haha. One flap, two flaps. Labia, labium. I’ll just type it again cos it’s hilarious. Flaps.

    Btw. Have you seen the Channel 10 series Puberty Blues? Suspect you’d enjoy it.

    Bit random there but just saying.


  • Sarah of ‘Catching the Magic’

    I never knew! I shall respect my labia so much more now! Ha, ha, ha!