If you were to look at the org chart of my children’s school you’d see there’s a very strong representation of women. It begins at the top with a female Director. I’m told by friends who are educators that our Director is very well respected in the international school community. She has a PhD, is incredibly tech savvy (we receive podcasts and a digital newsletter on a weekly basis) and speaks with confidence and passion on developing positive, global, active citizens. The school is not small, with over 2,000 students it’s divided into four separate schools, with four separate principals, all of whom report into her.
When it comes to education my girls are shown the same respect and given the same opportunities as my boys. They’ve had female counsellors, female sports teachers, female principals, and a number of strong female leaders around them.
Which is why the whole concept of the “Class Mum” is so depressing.
Like many schools, a lot of the activities and celebrations are organised by volunteers. At the beginning of the year there’s a sign up sheet for class parents; a job which will involve collecting funds and organising small celebrations (Halloween, Valentines, or my very favourite in this neck of the woods the lets-not-call-it-Christmas ‘Winter’ party). I’ve signed up for three out of the four years we’ve been here to be a class parent, and each year the process looks the same. A large group of women, maybe 50? Maybe more? Assemble in the cafeteria. They collect a folder, ask a few questions, get a few ideas on events and if they’re anything like me they’ll suddenly notice the language is changing. “Ladies, just one more thing…” someone will say towards the end of the conversation. Or “now we know the school Mums/Moms already have a lot on their plate but…” and somehow in that moment what originally felt like an opportunity to get involved in your child’s class, now somehow feels like a step back in time to 1954.
It is at this point of the story that I feel the need to point out that I understand why there are more women available to volunteer. I get it. It would be stupid to ignore the facts. Although many of my female friends are working full-time, there are still more women working part-time than men, and more woman choosing to be a Stay at Home parent. In the expat world it becomes even more complicated when you consider work visas and mobile careers. Statistically I understand that they’ll be more women working in the tuck shop. I get it.
What I don’t understand is why more men aren’t putting their hand up to get involved? And why schools continue to push them away with this sort of language?
Perhaps we need to stop talking about School Mums. Perhaps we need to stop sending emails that are addressed to “Class Mums“. Maybe we need to stop walking up to the same two suckers who have volunteered for the baseball tournament, the teacher appreciation lunch, and the bake sale and asking “Hey ladies, do you think you’d be able to help out with the…”. Earlier this week I received an email to let me know that “a couple of the Mums are organising…” with a request for help, I wondered how many Dads immediately figured the request wasn’t directed at them?
While volunteer work at school continues to have a gender bias, our children continue to see a contradiction. Girls, you can be anything; you’re smart, you’re strong, you’re future leaders. And when you grow up, you can volunteer with all the other class Moms at school.
Don’t even get me started on this issue. Adding to the gender bias, there is also such an inner circle with the room moms. Or maybe that’s just at our school? 🙂
My husband will volunteer to run the school sausage sizzle, so long as he knows another dad will be there. I have to suggest it though, and that is the one area that the Dads are well represented.
We had a campaign at the school rugby club to re-designate the “team Mums” as “Team Managers” but found that, depressingly it didn’t stick. Interestingly the people who resisted it most were not the rugby blokes as you’d expect but some of the Mums who ridiculed it and continued to call say Team Mum – even though by that time there was a bloke on the job. We have managed to use Class Rep instead of Class Mum at least!!
At our last international school, we had a coffee cart for parents to gather around after drop off, and I was always amazed at the cultures, experience and levels of education represented. Despite this huge intellectual asset, we were always dismissed as ‘just the parents’ which used to make us hoot. It was a great lesson to my children about how titles mean little, greater authority does not necessarily mean greater knowledge or ability, and on the part of the parents, tolerance and community in action. And that most things seem better after coffee.
You know, I have to say at our school (in Dubai), it’s Class Parent (not mum/mom) and we have a lot of dads volunteer for assistance at events. The other thing that surprised me was that Dads represent at least 50% of parents who pick up/drop off each day. Far more than when we were in Australia. I was really, really surprised. Not sure why our school is different?
So true! Grrr. My husband, the stay at home parent who had always been heavily involved in parent activities in previous schools went to 1 meeting of the PTA, never to return. He felt completely shunned by the inner circle mums.
At my kids previous school in Hungary, we were always referred to as the Class Rep. It was mostly mums, but we did have a few dedicated fathers as well. And like Corinne mentioned there was a very large percentage of fathers who were able to take the time out to do the morning run, or even attend a once a month session that was called Dad’s and Donuts. It was to encourage more men to meet and therefore become more ‘comfortable’ at school events.
I’m really lucky at our teeny tiny city school that there are several Dads who are very very active within the school community. I say that I’m very lucky – that’s because I’m the P&C president! I don’t think I’d get away with saying Hey Ladies to any of our Mums though.
Snap!
Love it. We have a few Dad’s at pick up but definitely not 50%. G and i are volunteering as joint class parents next year.
Rachel you have just summed up exactly what I love about our expat community. I’ve always loved how diverse our community is and continue to be fascinated by the depth/wealth of experience and education around me.
I remember Dads and Donuts in Houston, maybe I should suggest it here?
Mary, I now have even more respect for you, P&C President!
The head of our parent committee is a Dad – an incredibly involved, full-time working, father and probably half of the committee is men. I think that’s what I love about our school – both men and women are actively involved in all areas and language like “School Mums” isn’t really used.
It occurred to me last night that there are many Dads who want to be on the School Board, but for some reason there’s not the same interest when it comes to the hands on nuts and bolts in the classroom. I’m sure all it will take is a few more Dads to volunteer as class reps for there to be a change. G and I are doing it together next year.
I reckon you’re right. There are so many men at our school doing interesting things, volunteering, helping at working bees, organising events, running the school community garden etc – the more they are visibly hands on, the more others get involved. In the end it’s the kids who benefit most. And the parents make the school more fun and engaging for themselves too. G and you together will be an awesome team. xx
This is the post I have been meaning to write. At my lower North Shore Sydney school I caused an uproar last year when I asked we stop using the term Class Mum and replaced it with Class Parent. It irritates the heck out of me.
Class Reps – don’t care what they are called or what gender they are, our school doesn’t have them and there’s a lot of us (ok, mainly expats who are used to them) who would like them.
They are a vital link to new comers, and help create a sense of school community and belonging.
In saying that, we did have them in our school in the UK, and the grief there was from those parents who were working and not able to participate as often – sometimes ya just can’t win
What there is, is a reality show in the making – School Moms (from Hell) – not sure they would include the bracketed words 😉
We have an organization at our school called D.U.D.E.S and they have their own t-shirts 😉 It stands for Dads Using Days To Encourage Students. They have a once a month breakfast at the school with the kids and are encouraged to take a day to spend at the school volunteering. I would say as a class parent (not class mom – although most of them are – some aren’t) the volunteer rate for twice weekly math centers, class reader, science lab volunteers and in class events in our first grade class are about 60/40 mums and dads. This stems I think from the recent financial crisis and often the dads are stay at home or part timers and the mums are full time workers. Whatever the reason I think it’s not a bad balance. In my son’s class nearly all of the volunteers are mothers, not sure of the difference between 1st and 5th grade, but that’s just how it is. I think I will gracefully bow out of Class parenting next year, we’ll see.
There really are SO many reality show possibilities, Nikki. We should script a few of them up.
Well, I worked a lot as a volunteer in every single school my kids attended. And with 4 kid and 5 different countries, that’s starting to make a lot of schools! I must say that in Houston, where I was most involved as a volunteer, it was class rep. But we didn’t have many fathers there. Fathers were usually more involved with the ‘bigger’ volunteer jobs, the ones that had more punch to them and would add something to a resume. Like being on the school board. Being just a class rep doesn’t sound quite as nice on a resume. You cannot as easily ‘sell’ it when looking for a new job. I also realised that it’s a cultural matter. In the International section of the school, a lot more fathers were involved. In the French section, not quite so many… Or maybe it is because for parents who are not expatriates, the parenting roles are better dispatched between both parents. And there were less of those ‘settled’ parents in the French section? I’m not sure. But I sure am tired of being ‘just’ a school mom. It got to the point where even my own children didn’t see the difference between volunteer work as a rep or chair or whatever and paid work as a sub teacher. My 17 yo son only realised this past fall that though both were work, part of it was paid indeed, and that even though I wasn’t shy with my time at this school, when I stepped in front of a classroom full of students to teach, I was paid. I don’t know if I should be glad that he saw my volunteer work as just as important as my paid work, or sad that he didn’t think more of my paid mork…