The challenge was set.
Meet one new person and come back at the end of the day with a name and where they were living last. “Make sure if you see anyone new, you ask them to play or ask them if they want to sit with you at lunch”. I was perched high in the saddle of my parental high horse. “You’ve all been new. You all know what its like”. I sold it as “travel karma”, promising it would return.
At the end of the first day of school the first traveller announced her success. She’d not only met someone new but she’d sat with them at lunch AND she really liked them. The second little traveller was highly disappointed to discover the only new person in her class was a boy, “so the boys in the class kept him all to themselves, but I did meet a new girl at lunch”. The third traveller took the job so seriously that he actually brought the boy to me at the end of the day. “This is Zane and he’s from Australia as well!” Zane and his mother looked a little confused. The fourth little traveler met a lot of people, but it appears that Grade one has induced early onset dementia, he can no longer remember a thing about his day or what anyone’s name is.
Making new friends is an essential part to expat survival. I love the friends my children have but am also acutely aware of the devastation that arrives with news that a friend is moving on. Goodbye is hard when you’re eight. Who am I kidding? I’m an adult and the idea of saying goodbye to some of my friends here fills me with dread. Being the leaver – or the person on their way, is a lot easier than being the person left behind. When you’re left behind you will find yourself constantly reminded of things you did with an old friend, reminders that they are no longer here anymore. A drive to the grocery store can trigger an afternoon of misery. That’s where she used to live. That’s the restaurant where we had her birthday party. The brief flash of excitement when you think you may have recognized her car, only to remember it’s not her car anymore.
We often speak as expats of how great it is that we now have friends all over the world, that we’ve met so many people, but often having friends all over the world is the bit that stings the most. I would pay money to sit at a certain Scottish woman’s kitchen table in Houston right now. Losing a friend to another country means you are left with the option of going it alone, or putting yourself back out there in the world of introductions.
Which is why I need to take my own advice. After preaching to the little travellers about the importance of being open to new people and that you can never have too many friends, I proceeded to walk into the school grounds, re-unite with familiar faces, and then return to my car having not met one new person. I was a fraud.
We have a great group of friends here in Qatar, and I have become a little too comfortable. I’m in that happy place that comes at the three year mark, the house is set up, I have a few favourite haunts, parties to go to, and friends to text when I need to escape for a coffee. I’m driving straight in the middle of my comfort zone.
The school would have been filled with new faces on day one, eyes that would have been scanning like baseball scouts looking for a clean arm swing. When you’re new your criteria can not often be named, it comes in the form of a sign, a similarity, a possible connection. Eye contact and a smile can provide an immediate feeling that things will be okay, that this move will be fine. People are friendly here.
I didn’t stop to notice if anyone was lost, sad, or terrified about the drive home. I know there would have been someone feeling that way, because I’ve been that person.
How quickly we forget.
So, if you’re new in town, watch out – I’m looking for you. And if you’re not new here, but you’re new somewhere else, don’t worry, it’ll get better, it will become easier.
I promise.
Love your blog and this post. I have been in that position many times – both throughout my childhood and now as a mother of two. It’s not easy. I’ve been known to try and conceal my ‘shyness’ with comments like “Pfft…I don’t need more friends. I have plenty. Hell, I’m 40 not 10!” but who am I kidding!? With a possible move to Qatar in the next few months looming, I am feeling a little nervous at the thought of starting again. But I take inspiration from my girls who see it all as an exciting adventure and are thrilled at the possibility of making friends from all over the globe. That’s definitely the attitude I need to adopt! Thanks for your great posts and for the reassurance your words offer.
“The fourth little traveler met a lot of people, but it appears that Grade one has induced early onset dementia, he can no longer remember a thing about his day or what anyone’s name is.” That line made me laugh. Very familiar case at our house. xx
As term 3 is coming to a close I was expecting to know so many new parents at our school and be surrounded by a new group of friends. It hasn’t happened. May be its me. I might not be trying enough. I’m seeking out those faces that look happy to talk to the lonely person…just don’t seem to be able to find them. Pretending I am busy and looking at twitter may not be helping.
I always smile ( a bit like a demented cheshire cat) at all the new people on the first day of school.I remember all those first days of school for the children and myself ( still happening nearly 16 years later/) in a new country and that one person who smiled at me. That one person stopped me numerous times, in many countries, packing up my kids and leaving as it all seemed so hard. I still remember one friend saying If I hadn’t smiled at her on her first day she would have left the country that same day as she was feeling so lonely.
Ask one of your children’s friends over for a playdate and include the mum in the invite. My record is 3 playdates a week for a month – excrutiating but I get to meet lots of mums .Some you click with others you try and avoid for the next 3 years.It is worth remembering that it is you That needs to make friends everybody else has friends.
Know this well. That first year I benefitted greatly by a weekly coffee & local culture meeting at our children’s school. I fully expected to become involved in helping to put it on the following year, but things happened, opportunities presented themselves and I got on with life. So what I do at every opportunity (and I do mean virtually every one), is keep an eye out for the shell-shocked, glassy-stared folk often standing slightly apart with a pained expression and occasionally quivering lip. You name it – at a school event, parking lot, in line somewhere, at the grocery store, watching a game – I’ve got my antennaes up and radar locked on. I zero in on them, introduce myself and engage them in a real conversation. Sometimes the toughest times are 3-6 months in, when you think it all should have fallen into place and it seems everyone else has a life. So ClaireyHewitt, hang in there, and start looking around for kindred spirits.
I keep hoping I will bump into you in the aisles of Giant or the like, and you are a tenth as funny and interesting as your blog!
Awww … am sure you will all have new friends very soon. Good luck!
I’m the new girl at the moment and its all a bit weird not having to try very hard. After being told by the locals I would never make friends in Durban (our last stop) unless I was going to be there long term (they were wrong, they loved me by the time I left 😉 its strange when everyone takes your number and then actually calls. We have moved into a neighbourhood with a clubhouse and pool and have ‘block drinks’ every Thursday night, take a glass of wine outside into the street and you’re there. Its just like Pleasantville / Wisteria Lane – really. This time its the kids that are finding it a bit harder than we are, although I did double book the other night and may never be invited back to Canasta evening again! I feel like I am in a bit of a dream and waiting for it all to fall apart, I am on my guard and a little suspicious – the last two countries have been much harder than this, but so far, so good. Living in the American suburbs is just like the movies 😉
I moved around Australia a lot with my soldier husband and in spite of being excruciatingly shy managed to make one or two good friends in each new town/city. They always said hello first which helped.
I love your “finger painting”.
Kirsty, as a Doha newbie (not even a week yet) and a ‘male trailing spouse’ (or whatever we’re called this month), any tips or advice for your male readers looking to avoid cultural potholes / “make friends”?
(Was going to write ‘meet someone new’ but that sounds all kinds of wrong!)
Am not Kirsty and cannot help in Doha but can tell you that ‘male trailing spouse’ or equivalent term has always been a fave of the other trailing spouse crowds I’ve hung with. Am sure you’ll be friended up in no time 😉
Tip Number 1 – Stop wearing that mankini. Only joking. I guess one piece of advice is to accept absolutely every invitation possible, don’t say no to anything…within reason 🙂
Cheers for the tips both; how did you know about the mankini? Joking aside, invitation #1 has been accepted, so am rifling through suitcases trying to find sparkling wit and repartee. It’s got to be round here somewhere…
Brilliant article. Have been there myself. So we developed CU – an app (there wasn’t one) to bring newbies into the community. It lets them know that you are willing to help.