The third little traveller is blissfully floating through his first bromance. In an act from the expat gods, relocations have worked in his favour this year with the delivery of his two new best friends. They have become a threesome, inseparable besties.
If the perfect girlfriend remains to be one whose Dad owns a brewery, our third traveller thought he’d really hit the jackpot when he discovered his new buddy’s Dad worked in a high end hotel. It’s hard to top a play date that involves a beach, pool and restaurant. “Mum, it was amazing – we were allowed to have ice-cream and burgers by the pool!” When I asked what the highlights of a recent play date were I was told that he’d learnt how to temporarily dislocate his jaw “you know Mum, sharks do it all the time, and once I learnt it, I could fit my whole burger in my mouth. Want me to show you how to do it?” When I asked jokingly how he had returned the favour, he told me he’d taught his new friends how to armpit fart.
Best. Day. Ever.
As much as I nagged my mother, she never succumbed by providing my sister and I with a brother. Our childhood home was high in estrogen. And although my father is a lover of golf, football and cricket there was never a lot of armpit farting or wrestling. I always felt slightly envious of those who had brothers, I wanted their inside knowledge of how these strange creatures worked.
Jokes are made about the lack of instructions and handbooks when it comes to children, but we all come with our parental baggage of lessons we would like to impart. I want my girls to be strong, educated and confident. I want them to feel free, to head in which ever direction they chose with the knowledge that we as a family are behind them all the way.
My hopes for my boys are the same, but I have something extra, a hope that they will be good men, men who respect themselves and the women in their lives. Men who remember to speak up when something is passed off as a “joke”. Men who never accept an act of cruelty as “just having a laugh”. As women, we all have our stories. When I was 9 and my bikini bottoms were pulled at and removed in the local pool by a group of boys – that was just a joke. When I was 15 and my girlfriend was surrounded by a group of men walking by, who then grabbed at her breasts and tried to put their hands down her pants – that was just a joke. When boys got pushy, when boys drove you to places with plans that you were unaware of, when boys talked of other girls, girls who you knew were being judged by their appearance – the dogs, the sluts, the moles – just a joke.
I was reading an article this week about some of the Facebook pages in existence that remain disguised as humor. Pages that promote rape, pages posting pictures of women without their permission for people to comment on. Pages with questions like “What’s 10 inches and gets girls to have sex with me? My knife.” Pages such as “12 year old Slut Meme’s” (212K followers), a site run by two 19 year old boys with little gems of insight such as “As long as there are sluts, we will put them in their place”
Today in Australia, many people are horrified by the fact that a 29 year old woman was raped and murdered while walking home late a night. Perhaps we were more affected because we saw the CCTV footage and watched a man pace the footpaths, looking for a victim. We saw her distraught husband, her parents, her work colleagues. Women have discussed the whole it could have been me factor, and told their stories of near misses. Others want to reclaim the night, remind people that they are more likely to be raped/hurt by someone they know, that the randomness of the attack was exactly that, random.
I wait to hear more about him. How do you raise a rapist? Or is it not that simple? What are the signs? Where did it all go wrong? How do you finally become damaged enough to be dangerous? How do you treat a woman with absolutely no respect?
We have much to teach our boys.
I always tell my boys to treat all girls like they would want their mother and sisters treated- with utmost respect hopefully.
Exactly Melissah. Think of all women as your sisters (apart from when you’re snogging).
It really shocks me each time I hear about a rape, a murder, a random shooting. Have these people always been out of control and dangerous? Or do they become this way? It always scares how normal they look too, like I wouldn’t even notice if they walked past me in the street. These people are living amongst us.
so true! great post and why does fb not shut those pages down when they object to breastfeeding is beyond me!! I saw one news article today that described the perpetrator as ‘married’ with a ‘history of sexual violence’. My heart goes out to the victims’ family but also to that wife. did she know she had married a monster??
Hainvg no brothers, having sons was a complete shock to me. I had no idea what to do with this boy child. It wasn’t until my first so was 18 months old that I stopped trying to figure out the mystery of his maleness and just embraced it. Boys are, right from the get go, wired completely different. Trying to figure it out was an exercise in frustration. Now I just watch and laugh as my to boys run around doing boy things.
But like you, I teach them that it’s not ok to make jokes about certain topics, that its not ok to pass of inappropriate behaviour as a joke. Especially my 14 yo, who has ‘friends’ who aren’t so insightful. It had made me very proud when he has told me a story about defending some young woman’s honour by actually saying to his ‘friends’ hey, that’s not cool.
I’m actually blogging about my boys at the moment (my girl has gone to college, sob) – but in a lighter vein.
It’s very important to me that mine respect females, as well as males, of course. The great thing about the older one being so close to his sister is that he is able to talk to girls as humans rather than sex objects. It also helps that his dad isn’t the sort of man who would be heard saying anything sexist or derogatory about a woman.
At the end of the day though, I also believe that there’s something wrong in the wiring when men go out and do these awful things, and I truly feel sorry for their families in most cases.
I have an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. I can teach him all those things a mother can, but most importantly, I make sure he has strong, positive male role models who teach him by example how to treat women. I too wonder how these men are brought up, and what causes them to become violent psychopaths.
I’ve been thinking about the responsibilities of raising boys, and probably girls too, quite a bit this week. This particular case has been so upsetting and it’s given me cause to reflect on past misdemeanors like the ones you’ve mentioned too. Unfortunately so many children are raised in abusive circumstances and I think this is a similar story, according to news reports. I really don’t know what the answer is but the enormity of the question is sometimes so overwhelming.
I think about all the people that walked past him that night – what a terrible feeling.
Exactly! The who “men who love boobs” pages but heaven forbid you have a shot of a breastfeeding mother.
I know we shouldn’t be talking too much about the suspect, so as not to jeapordise the case & have him walk free on some technicality, but apparently he was a father too? If this is true, my heart goes out to those children that have to bear that heavy weight. Wondering if they, too, will turn out like him, wondering if people will judge them harshly for the sins of their father. I agree with Melissa L, he looked ‘so normal’. I think that’s the most frightening part. You kind of expect them to stand out with devil horns and a ‘liser’ neon sign on their forehead. I just don’t understand how someone snaps like that. And my sorrow for Jill overwhelms me today. I have to try to stop thinking about how she must have been thinking and feeling in those final moments.
Very sad to hear of the horrific event that was the catalyst for this post, but appreciate the questions posed nonetheless. As a parent you do want them to be strong and successful in finding their own passions and following their own path, as well as kind, considerate, caring, a good friend, experience great joy and be at peace. My sense is that both nature (internal wiring) and nurture (or perverted lack of it as well as abuse of all sorts) can contribute to bringing a person such as the murdering rapist you describe to act. Whatever the answer, it needs to include more research AND getting the word out so that we as members of society can help call for the programs and help needed to minimize the creation/conversion of such monsters. Otherwise we risk our daughters, sons, family and friends (even ourselves) becoming the next Jill.