She was absolutely positively sure.
“I always said one. I probably could have had none. I’m glad we had him and I wouldn’t change a thing, but this is it. No more. One and we’re done.”
Her son was beautiful. He was loved, content, and as a family they all appeared to be incredibly happy.
I thought about a night at the Adelaide Fringe Festival years before. Australian comedian Wil Anderson had talked of being the eldest, when he mentioned his siblings “I like to refer to them as the spares“.
My girlfriend felt no need for a spare. One and we’re done.
We became pregnant with one, planned a second, had a surprise third and swore we were done – until I began to think about a fourth. While taking a photo of my three I’d peered through the lens and felt that someone was missing. Three suddenly seemed uneven, incomplete.
It wasn’t that I envied people who just knew, I just wondered how it felt to be so sure that that was it. The urge to float back towards the world of baby had been strong for me at times. Although I hated being pregnant I loved the excitement of a new person arriving. An addition, a new member to the team. Could I go back there again? Back there.
“Sometimes I think it’s just easier to keep having babies” said a fellow mother of four. We’d made ourselves comfortable in a corner of the coffee shop. We were surrounded by biscuit crumbs, a debris of crushed cheerios and stewed fruit half squished from a tube. Her shirt was covered in little tiny fingerprints of babycino froth.
“Easy? What’s easy about it?” I giggled.
“When you’re having babies you’re in a world of baby. Once I admit that that part of my life is over I’ll have to move on. I’ll have to decide exactly what I’m going to do next. That’s much scarier than having a baby”
I’d never thought of it that way. I’d gone back to work when my fourth baby was five months old. A lack of funds had made the decision an easy one – eat, or stay at home and starve. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that drastic, but it wasn’t far off. I’d considered going back to the world of baby a few times in the following years but never seriously, it was more wistfully, nostalgically.
For some of us going back to the world of baby is exactly that, a step backwards. Back to pregnancy, back to sleepless nights, back to maternity leave (however brief or long), back to being a breeder, a milker, a feeder. And as wonderful as the new project or addition would be, it means returning to a life which sometimes feels similar to being in a holding pattern, unable to land and get moving. When the children are a bit older we’ll go…When we’re out of nappies/diapers we’ll be able to…When everyone can walk and we don’t have to take the stroller…
Whether it’s one and we’re done or a house full of spares, we all exit the world of baby eventually. The next exciting addition or project perhaps your most important – you.
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For me, it was more a matter of not letting depression (mostly post natal) run my life for me. I always wanted 3 or 4 children, my husband 4 or 5. It was easy to settle on a number 🙂 And when we had trouble getting the 3rd one and she was 5 years younger than her youngest sibling, I didn’t want her to feel all alone since the other two were so close in age. So it made even more sense to have the fourth one. But I think you are right, there is also a phase in life when you are ready to welcome more little ones, and there comes a time where facing morning sickness and sleepless nights is just too much. Now I’m slowly starting to look forward to grandchildren instead 🙂 And as you say at the end, it’s also great to be able to work on this new project that is *me* 🙂
I wonder if we put the same effort into ourselves as we do our pregnancies/birth and children how life would be?
I’d just typed a long reply and it’s disappeared as I tried to sign back in 🙁
I was saying that it took my kids a little time to adjust to Mom working full time again, not being as available as she’d always been for them before. But they got there. And I did too, as it wasn’t easy having to start making time for myself instead of them.
How would it have been if I had taken more time for myself earlier rather than ‘stay at home’? They would have turned out differently. Our whole family would have. They may have had less success in school, have had more trouble adjusting to their new environments all the time, but would it have been worse? They would also probably be more independent, not always waiting for someone to tell them to do this chore or that.
Yes, life would be different. That’s it 🙂
For us, we had two boys and beautiful girl. When she was diagnosed with Leukemia, at Hamad Hospital, we were done. We thought it was too hard and we were happy with our three. God, however, had a different plan. Our bonus boy was born 1 week before her last treatment!
We are back in the Middle East now (healthy and happy) and wouldn’t have it any other way!!
Elizabeth, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so pleased for your little girl, so so pleased. When our ‘surprise’ came along it was an absolute stretch (we were in Libya and our 2nd child was only a few months old when I fell pregnant again). At the time, after the initial shock, G and I decided that the reason would become clear later on. It did. We couldn’t imagine them any other way now, it’s lovely to have two children only a year apart and I can’t imagine that either of them could see it any other way. Oh, and the expression “our bonus boy” I LOVE IT! xx
I loved this. It expresses so many feelings of my heart about these baby years and wondering when I will feel we’re done. Baby #5 is due in September 🙂 I do love using this time to dream of what’s next after the baby years and explore it – we’re so lucky to live at a time when so much is open to us! I’m an American expat in Germany. Happy to have found your blog!
Agreed Tracie, it’s all about choice and yes, we are bloody lucky to have it. *waving to you in Germany from here in Qatar* xx
If I could suddenly have another 18 month old I’d be happy to have a third. My pregnancies weren’t exactly easy, my babies were dreadful sleepers and I don’t relish the idea of a third Caesar. I love your post and I think it’s important to continue with Project You alongside having kids.
Oh Rebecca, I know EXACTLY what you mean. When we were thinking about number 4 I said more than once “if only someone could give me a two year old and I could skip the pregnant/newborn thing”. It seems crazy now as I’ve obviously conveniently stored all of those new-born memories way way waaaaaay to the back of my brain. 🙂
I was sure after one that one would be it! We have two, our 2nd is 18 months. I am absolutely sure that we are done!
Oh how plans can unstick – my daughter has her first ‘by mistake’, planned one more and had twins!