Crouching Tiger, Hidden Bikini Line

I really need to shave my legs. My nails are chipped and my eyebrows have gone rogue. My last few days at the beach had me in a crouching tiger hidden dragon position as I made my way to the water in a desperate attempt to hide my bikini line.

I stood at Aunty Suzie’s wedding kicking myself that I hadn’t gone and got myself a spray tan. I’ve never had a spray tan but at that precise moment I wanted one, needed one. And really white teeth, I needed really white teeth. Here I was in fancy pants Sydney looking so not fancy. I hid my manky nails as much as possible and wondered how I’d managed to pack absolutely everything for my children but forgotten my own deodorant, perfume, and body lotion. I borrowed G’s. As I stood chatting to the ex PM’s wife I wondered if she could smell my very manly roll on deodorant. At one point someone got my smell confused with that of the woman next to me and asked “what are you wearing?” .

“Rexona Sport” I giggled.

I wondered in that moment if this was the beginning of letting oneself go. Or had I gone, never to return.

My neighbour went out for drinks recently. A group of women, mostly mothers, possibly all over the age of 35, some of them over 50 (!) got together over a few cocktails at a bar in the city. When the suggestion was made to move onto a club my neighbour declined, she decided she was too old. A club full of sweaty bodies shouting over the top of each other wasn’t in her plans, but after some gentle coaxing she decided to go. I squealed with delight at the tales she came home with. The swingers who thought my neigbour was very nice, the men who had approached her and her friends, but my favourite involved a young girl my neighbour met at the bar.

As she watched the girl open her purse to pay for a drink, she noticed that as she pulled out her money her knickers fell out onto the bar. My neighbour had to know more, did she always carry an extra pair in her purse?

Her new friend, somewhat embarrassed, explained they were for later, you know, incase she got lucky. My neighbour who loves a chat and is a highly likable person with an inclination towards curiosity, required further explanation. Her new friend obliged.

If things were to get, shall we say, intimate, the knee to chest spanks that she was currently wearing to hold everything in, would be removed and replaced with the lacy, much smaller pair of knickers in her purse.


Any woman who has lived through the Bridget Jones granny pants situation will admire the forethought and practically of my neighbour’s new friend at the bar.

I giggled with my neighbour over the size of purse I would require to fit my spanks into, maybe I’d be the only girl at the nightclub with a suitcase?

But I recognized the girl, the moment. A moment from so long ago. A time where I worried about knickers matching my bra, a time where I thought more about legs being freshly shaved, perfect bikini lines and regular appointments at salons. For a brief moment I felt sorry for G, and then I thought about his own personal grooming regime.

G never thinks about getting a spray tan. G doesn’t wax. G’s eyebrows look the same all the time, G gets a $5 dollar haircut from the man on the corner, and if I had hair in some of the places G has hair we would both be requiring therapy.

In the final week that G and I were back in Australia I thought about getting a haircut but I also thought about other things, things like appointments for my children with ENT surgeons, mail box redirection, and council rate payment confirmation. It was more important in my mind to squeeze in one last dinner with a friend and one last trip to the beach, than a haircut or a beauty appointment. Somehow 15  years of marriage and a house full of children has changed my priorities, my time management. And I think sometimes I get it all the wrong way around. Like today. I planned to finally go and do something about my rogue eyebrows this afternoon, until the phone rang with a desperate plea.

“Mum, I’m so sorry but I left my trombone at home. I’m sorry, I know it’s a pain but could you pleeeeease bring it to school, we’re so close to the concert and if I don’t have it I can’t practice.”

I should make her go without it, I should learn how to pluck.

I will get back to matching knickers and bras, I may have momentarily let myself go, but I haven’t gone. Yet.

Anyone else?

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  1. Ha, I can just imagine you chatting to the most convenient (ex) prime ministers wife with a hint of sports wafting through. I only got switched on to the matching set of underwear a few years ago, much to my husband’s delight, though I don’t actually get around to actually wearing the sets very often. Love the knicker story! I don’t think you’ve let yourself go, its more a case of lowering the maintenance needs I find!

  2. Alli @ ducks on the dam says

    It’s the money! The $100 + that used to be all mine for a haircut and colour now has to be spread for me and the girls…. and certainly not every 6 weeks. And the “seasonal facials” that I had in a pre kids working full time life…… they make me giggle. Definitely need to do more but couldnt ever go back to my pre kids maitenance (couldnt possibly afford it!)

  3. I refuse to let myself go. G is a good few years younger than me LOL.

    Always worn matching underwear in two categories – everyday and ‘good’.

    Used to have my nails done with acrylic and painted Revlon Red. They were perfection at the end of my hands. In fact, a friends daughter wanted to know how she could grow her nails Red and shiny like mine. Haven’t had them done for years, tho I do get regular manicures and pedi’s.

    The two things I will never ever give up is having my hair done regularly and wearing makeup – even if it’s to the gym, a light foundation/moisterizer and mascara is always applied within minutes of waking up.
    A friend once said to me – if you’ve got your hair done, a stunning pair of earrings on, light foundation, mascara and lip gloss you can go anywhere.

    I guess it’s easy for me to say, as I’ve only one child – so I’ve all the time in the world (it’s the money that’s needed as all this maintenance is so expensive). I hope you can work out how to find time for at last ONE DAY a month just for you. Whether it’s getting your hair done, or reading a book uninterrupted for a few hours, or buying new matching undies.

  4. Laney | Crash Test Mummy says

    This is me! And I’m about to go on a beach holiday, so thanks for the timely reminder 😉

  5. Spot On!!!!

  6. Vancouver Island Lisa says

    Oh my gosh, you’re telling my story. My teenage daughter has lovely manicured nails and mine are lucky if a nail file sees them. You definitely have your priorities right though, as years from now,the travelers will remember that you were always there for them, but you will never recall with regret that you didn’t keep your brow appointment. Cheers Kirsty!

    • The first traveller was beyond grateful for the trombone delivery, she told me when I picked her up that someone had forgotten their instrument and that the music teacher had grilled them in front of everyone. I’ve made another brow appointment 🙂

  7. You have nailed it perfectly! I have been working at home for about 2 years now and have sunk to new levels of pyjama wearing. At least when I went to the office 9-5 I troubled myself to do some of the things you’re talking about. Now, I sometimes go days without getting dressed. As it’s winter here (in Canada) I can just put my coat over my jammies to take kids to activities. Gah! I’m going to brush my teeth RIGHT NOW.

  8. Corinne Rochette says

    Well, I guess it’s all a matter of how you (and your husband) view yourself too. I used to put the kids first, their needs and all, and didn’t take much time for myself. I didn’t have much time really.
    And then I started to realise, as the kids got older, that I needed to find myself as again.
    Am now on this path, and put more attention on things like hair and dresses. Though I love cooking too much : I can never hold a manicure for more than a day before polish gets chipped, a nail gets cut out of shape…
    Oh, well… thid is all part of who I am!

  9. I feel so much better now about the itch I had on my leg last week from five days of not shaving, the polish on the tips of my toenails that’s grown it’s way out from my last pedicure, matching my grey polka dot bra to my panties with the little blue flowers so we are in a similar color family at least… . Doing the laundry the other day I was thinking back 20 years to the days of bra and panty sets that actually matched.. together. Ha ha!

  10. Board shorts are my best friend! I’ll do my legs, underarms, anywhere but the bikini line. Thank you to the person who made board shorts trendy for women at the beach or pool!

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