Get It Off Your Chest

Perhaps it was faulty design work, or maybe just a hiccup in evolution. But the imbalance began from the get go.

I mean, if only men wore their dicks on their chest, things would be different.

Instead of brassieres there could be penissieres. Over the shoulder penis holders. Balls cupped down to size.  Harnessed in underwires and fastened into place; displayed in windows, magazine pages and on billboards.

Instead of Hooters they’d be Shooters. I’m sorry sir, your penis is way too small to get a job here.

Cleavage would become peavage, and bad sitcoms would be filled with gags about being top heavy while men fell out of their nurses uniforms. Facebook accounts would be created send us your best peavage shots.

Penis surgery would be considered by 17 year old boys who’d watched too much MTV. Older men who’d noticed a droop would part with thousands of dollars to plastic surgeons. Incisions made, scars left. The perfect décocketage.

In bars women would huddle while being mesmerized by the bouncing balls on the dance floor. They’d be scolded for their school girl humor, but only in jest. Look at his funbags, check out those puppies, those melons, the baps, the cans, the norks, the jugs, the rack. Someone’s left their headlights on.

Some-one would snort after one of the women in the group motioned towards the guy behind the bar  and said under her breath “woah, that’s more than a mouthful”.

“Hey, show us your…”

And at the end of a long day, men would go home and take off their shoes, pour themselves a drink and remove their penissieres with a sigh of relief.

The imbalance began at the get go.

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  1. Bravo Kirsty.
    Décocketage – hilarious!

  2. Brilliant,love it

  3. I didn’t mean for that to come through as a guest comment. Got a bit carried away there.x

  4. Yes!! Love, love, love this.

  5. Not sure of the words to say….but both of us had a good belly laugh. Thank you. Love Ailsa and Brian

  6. I’d also be ok with men getting hot flashes while we date 19 year old boys…just sayin’

  7. do you still think they would strut around without their shirts on???

  8. We were talking about this very thing only last week. We decided that boobs are no longer necessary, as formula is available everywhere now (sorry about places with dirty water, this was how the voting went) and that men (sorry, men) should wear their furry friends just behind their ears, firstly to keep them cool, secondly for ease of scratching and thirdly to be nearer their brains for better communication.
    But you know what, it would just all be transferred to legs, or behinds. They will always find something to perve over.

  9. Hilarious! Great piece. I agree 100%, too.

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