Stranger Danger

There’s been some “security issues” at a school just down the street from ours, and a warning was sent out to parents about keeping an eye out for suspicious behaviour. As you can imagine, the community got talking and within days I had about three stories to choose from. All involved a man, a car and a proposition to a child. 
The little travellers have been warned many times about not getting in to cars with strangers, but I thought I’d better return to the conversation. I’d always felt reasonably confident that they wouldn’t get in to a car with a stranger, but a couple of minutes in to the conversation, I now wasn’t entirely convinced.
As we drove to school we talked about things a stranger in a car might say to you to get your attention. I began with “he/she may offer you sweets”. In my rear vision mirror I saw the second and fourth little traveller’s ears prick up, the chocoholics of the family were instantly interested in exactly what sort of lollies might be on offer. I moved on “another thing they may say is that I sent them to pick you up” suddenly the first little traveller could see how it could happen. In her self appointed role as deputy mother she reminded everyone about the family password. I hadn’t heard a word from the third little traveller, I looked in the mirror and said “They may try and make you feel sorry for them, they might tell you they’ve lost a pet or need help”. 
He couldn’t see how any of this applied to him. It wasn’t getting through. I went for the jugular.
“They may tell you they have a playstation or Xbox at their house” He immediately became interested. We don’t have either an Xbox or a Playstation and because of this the third little traveller feels he’s playing the role of a deprived young child in a Dickens novel. We are ruining his life. 
“Exactly what would the person do to us?” His brain was ticking over. I could see him weighing up his options – asking himself if it was worth getting in the car? I mean how bad could this place be if it had an Xbox or a Playstation?
And that’s when I decided to tell them.
In that moment I could see that I needed to go further. They didn’t get it. 
I told them about the man I once worked with, the man who I believed was a really lovely man. A man I went to the pub and had beers with. A man who would then spend his weekends convincing children to get in the car with him by telling them he was a talent scout. 
“Did he hurt them?”
“Yes he did, very very badly. And it took the police awhile to find him, but when they did, when they saw the videos, they were incredibly sad that he’d managed to get those children to come home with him”
No-one asked for more details and I wouldn’t have given them, I could see the message had been received. There was no more contemplation of Playstations or chocolate.
And then I felt like the worst parent in the world. I felt like I’d stolen a little piece of their innocence, that I’d made them start thinking about creepy people who were out to steal them. What if I’d scared them? What if I’d really damaged them? I pictured them laying on couches in therapy, working through their distrust of strangers and having their “breakthrough moment” when they remembered the conversation they had with their mother in the car on the way to school.
This popped up in the SMH this morning;
The Sydney Morning Herald reported today that there has been a 30% jump in the numbers of Australians arrested for child pornography since 2010.
The head of the federal police’s cyber-crime unit, Assistant Commissioner Neil Gaughan, said there might have been no increase in the number of adults sexually assaulting children but, ”we are seeing those sexual assaults being recorded, and those sexual assaults being uploaded onto the internet”.
”There’s no empirical evidence of an increase in child abuse, but we’re seeing an increase in the number of violent images that clearly have not been commercially made,” he said.
There was a 30 per cent jump, from 136 to 180, in the number of Australians arrested for child pornography offences last year compared with 2010.
Mr Gaughan said: ”I think there’s two schools of thought here, one that there’s been a proliferation of the image-making and the image dissemination. There’s also a school of thought that the reason why we’re getting so many more referrals is that law enforcement and industry are working better together and we’re discovering a lot more.”

I’m hoping more arrests means better police work. 
In the meantime I’ll return to the fine balance of parenting while I pop another few dollars in to the future therapy fund jar.
What do you think? How did you/would you warn your children about stranger danger? How much do you need to tell them?

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Comments

  1. I’ve had precisely that conversation with my kids, and have felt exactly the same as you.  I’ve wondered if by giving them a hint of what happens to kids that I’ve somehow stolen a bit of their childhood.

    But I got over it. I love the biblical saying that people should be “as wise as a serpent, and harmless as a dove.”  

    Another variation on the old “ounce of prevention …” I guess.

  2. Kathlockett says

    I’ve had the Stranger Danger conversation with my now-twelve year old a few years back, but it had to be revved up again a few weeks ago when she wanted to walk to school by herself.
    That’s normally OK but not now when it’s the middle of winter here in Geneva, school starts at 8:00am and it’s dark. We had a lengthy argument about how I’d walk the dog and walk with her to school as we did so.  Nope, the tears in her eyes showed me that such an act would be so embarrassing, so cruel, so image-destroying that I’m now doing what I swore I wouldn’t do – I’m driving her. I always wanted my kid to walk to school so that I wasn’t a helicopter parent…… get her out into the fresh air for some exercise as we did when we were kids….  So the driving to school thing is JUST until it’s light again.And yes, I shared a similar type of story, only it happened to a fifteen year old, here in Geneva, two years ago….. Sapphire at first was disbelieving (she knows the girl) until I went into more explicit detail. It’s truly horrible having to share these stories, but sometimes they need to be shocked a little and realise that they *do* happen and to people they know.

  3. PaulineSinn says

    Such a good question Kirsty! 
    The problem with all of this is that they are more likely to be abused by someone they (and we) know and trust. That’s when it gets murky re what to tell them. Having worked in the area, I have only one plan, and that is to not trust anyone! 
    I’ve had similar conversations with my clan – mostly along the lines of them being hurt, and that we can’t always trust people to do the right thing. That in fact some people want to hurt children. 
    Then, in different conversations, what they need to do if they are ever put in that position. Not convinced they have necessarily put the two things together…  And especially unconvinced my four wouldn’t fall for one (all?) of the ploys.
    Praying it will never happen.

  4. We’ve gone over this topic again with my (almost) 7-yr-old. As they get older, I think you have to allude to something more specific happening as a result of getting into a car with a stranger. It’s a tough decision, but you can see from their face that, without a real deterrent, their curiosity would easily win out. You can’t mention every trick a person might use so you have to make them fear the consequences. 

    We try to keep it in a positive light, we talk about giving her the tips and tricks she needs to stay safe. And we also tell her to fight and make lots of noise if anyone tries to make her do something she doesn’t want to.
    I does seem wrong to have to talk to them about this, but I would rather answer her questions and try to soothe her worries now than have something much worse befall her later.

  5. I think honesty is always the best policy. At 3 we are teaching our son that only he touches his private parts and if someone else does he is to tell us. I know 5 people off the top of my head who were sexually abused by someone they knew and I hope by talking about it openly (but with tact to suit the age range ) my kids will feel empowered to know where they stand in the world and what their rights are to say NO and keep themselves safe.

  6. I think your strategy is a good one – not too full on at all.  I worked at a school on the first day of prep once and a mother had told her child to trust NO ONE but her and the child was hysterical at being left behind at school with strangers….  That was too much!

  7. oh gosh. I have not had the stranger danger conversation and with my eldest having just started school, I realise I need to have it. I have been reading all the comments below and now have tears running down my face at the thought of what can happen to kids and can’t imagine how I am going to even start the stranger danger conversation without crying? Am going to have to psych myself up for this one, but such an important conversation to have…especially since little miss 5yo has suddenly had a burst of the “I’m a big school girl” confidence and will now strike up a conversation with any adult who will look at her. 

  8. Toni-ley Jones says

    I received this e-mail this week after you posted your blog. We are now living in the Swan Valley, WA which would still be described as semi-rural. From time to time we are given alerts, but this one prompted the conversation “what would you do if?”. Timely in my home.
    Dear Principal,
    AISWA has recently received the following additional information in relation to the incident that occurred yesterday afternoon (Wednesday, 8 February):
    ‘Today an incident occurred at about 8:20am involving a student from our school that requires the close attention of all parents, carers and students. The Year 6 student was riding his bike on his way to school, travelling in the Liddelow Rd/Coffey Rd area near the trotting track when a motorist driving toward him went past him and then turned and came up behind him. The driver slowed his car to the pace of the student and tailed him for some distance as he rode his bike. As the student sped up, so did the driver. Alarmed, the student turned into Coffey Rd and was followed by the driver. The student got off his bike in front of a house at which point the driver took out a green lolly snake and held it up to the student motioning for him to come and get it. The student turned, raced to the front door of the house and banged on the door until the owner answered. The driver drove away and the owner of the house was able to help the  student call his mum so she could come and get him. The car in question is a silver Hyundai 4WD, probably a Tucson, possibly with a 4 in the number plate. The driver is described as an older person wearing a white bucket hat and with a unshaved grey stubbly appearance. His skin is olive and darkly tanned and he was wearing a dark short sleeved collared shirt. Following the incident and making sure the student and his mum was okay I reported the incident to the police and met with them at the school to give them all the details. They immediately sent patrols to the area and will continue to do so hoping to see the Hyundai. They will meet with the family at their home after school to gather any other information that may have been recalled’.

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