Today Was A Really Shit Day

This post comes with a warning. A chance for you to back out now before I invite you to join me while I wallow, actually it’s worse than a wallow, it’s more like a plunge dive into my own self pity and general sadness.

It hasn’t been the best day.

Any day that begins with a 3.30am start for an airport run is always tough. If you’re not getting on the plane and everyone else is – it’s tricky. When it includes a goodbye to your husband and children it gets a little more emotional. Throw in a sobbing child and a mother with a fresh cancer diagnosis and it becomes almost unmanageable, unmotherable. Let’s then throw in the phone call from the doctor who can’t really tell you much more than you already knew. More tests? Maybe. More Waiting? Definitely. “Give me a call on Monday and hopefully I’ll know more then.”

I knew it was going to be like this. I planned a day at home on my own because I knew that the moment I walked back into the house without them in it, it would feel cold and empty.  I knew the moment I saw traces of them around the house, the cup next to the bed, the forgotten toothbrush, I’d be miserable. I just hadn’t factored in the movie style sobbing. The gut wrenching wail that you hear from mothers in court rooms and cemeteries on cable tv. I cried in the shower, at the kitchen sink, and while I paired their orphan socks in the laundry. I held on to the jacket of my 11 year old son with my face buried into the internal fur of the collar and sleeves and wailed. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Miserable.

And in the middle of it all came Eden and her “what I wore”. A quick Facebook update with a breakdown of todays outfit, sourced from Vinnies and Big W I managed a smile through the description. And when Eden showcased her “Corduroy jacket with strange furry hood that gives the illusion I have strange furry hair”

eden fur

I started giggling. I love Eden. I love her.  She really looks like she has strange furry hair in this pic. Thank you Eden, thank you.

I’m going to be fine. Yes, there’s been tears, but there’s been chocolate and a medicinal glass of champagne. While I tried to shut myself off from the world the neighbour thankfully wasn’t having a bar of it, she made her way through the front door before I could make an excuse and had me smiling over her week at work.  I’m going to be fine. 

There is good news. Really good news. There is no cancer in my lymph glands, this means it hasn’t travelled. The annoying news is that the breast tissue sample hasn’t provided the answers we were looking for. They don’t know if it’s because they took the majority of the cancer with the biopsy or if it’s because they’ve taken tissue from the wrong area. There’s a possibility the carbon tracker took them to the wrong place. The idea of going through all of those tests again leaves me feeling nothing short of despair. I wanted an answer. I haven’t got one. I don’t know what type of cancer I have. I suspect it’s not evil, but I don’t know.

What I do know though is that Eden looks really funny with fur hair, and that tomorrow I will wake up to a Saturday morning in Australia that will bring sunshine, footy, and a Saturday paper. Today was shit, tomorrow will be better. I’m okay.


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