When we returned to Qatar in January after spending the Christmas break in Australia, a colleague of my husband’s pulled him aside to tell him about a rumour that was going around.
It was a rumour that we were leaving Qatar.
Supposedly someone had seen a picture in my Instagram feed of my eldest in a school uniform. I’d commented that it was a sign of things to come. And it was a sign of things to come. She’ll be starting boarding school in Adelaide in January.
Just typing that last sentence has caused my fingers to shake while tears form. I’ve held off on writing about this solely for self preservation. I haven’t been ready to face the fact that it’s getting closer, nor have I wanted the judgement that comes with the decision and the inevitable self defence. My eldest is currently at a fantastic school with a great IB program, she has friends who she adores and the teaching staff are the best I have seen. In the past couple of months she has had one on one attention most parents could only dream of, and her levels of self confidence have sky-rocketed. It just makes no sense to move her. Except it does, for us.
Our beautiful girl, my first, my baby, my global companion, has never lived in Australia. While she holds a passport, can recite the national anthem (she sang it unaccompanied to her class in Canada in Grade 3), and has an array of Aussie t-shirts, jumpers, beach towels and stick on tattoos – she is yet to live the daily life of an Aussie kid. She’s well versed in American History, the Canadian provinces, and the Gulf landscape, but is shaky on Australian History. She’ll be 15 in a couple of months and is yet to catch a public bus (solo) to go and see a movie with friends, take a part-time job in a deli, and more importantly see what Australia looks like when you’re not on holiday. The nightly news, the daily politics, the issues that make people take to the streets – a first hand look.
While I want her to have all of the opportunities that life in Australia can bring – I don’t want her to leave me. I have found myself at the door of her room in the middle of the night wondering how I will breathe without her in the house. I weep quietly in the kitchen at dinner time thinking of her seat at the dining room table empty next year. I cry randomly at traffic lights. I try and inconspicuously wipe the tears away when I watch her play sport, and right now, there are floods of tears as I type what feels like some sort of confession onto the page. A few weeks ago as we travelled to Kuwait together for a softball tournament I felt my voice waver as I suggested she find the right check-in counter, get us through immigration and find the correct gate “you’ll need to do this one day on your…” my voice trailed off as I turned to wipe the tears from my eyes.
Years ago, when I was a spotty teenager in country South Australia my parents made a similar decision. We were at netball practice one night when a team member’s mother felt the need to share her opinions on me going away to my mother.
“Oh no! I could never do that to my children. I could never live without my girls.” she said a little too dramatically.
At the time I thought my mother hadn’t noticed what she’d said until we got in the car. My mother who was the netball coach, the person who drove everyone everywhere and hadn’t missed a sporting event of mine in my life.
“Bitch” my mother said under her breath “it’s an opportunity for you, how could she think it was an easy choice?” My mother was hurt, angry and I realize now probably hugely conflicted.
I find myself in these conversations on a regular basis now. Good friends, confidantes and people I love dearly have all let me know whether they could or couldn’t do it.
“But why, I don’t get it?”
“Oh, I could never do that”
“Is she okay? How’s she coping with the news?” (as if she hadn’t been a part of the decision)
“Does she have special issues they can’t deal with here?”
“OMG you’re the last person I thought would do that?!”
Can you see why I’ve been hesitant about talking about it. For the past few years G and I have felt that we’d like to offer the children the opportunity to have a few years at school in Australia before going to University. We don’t want them starting cold, we want them to have a friend base. It’s a very personal choice and one we’ve contemplated, talked about, and mulled over for years. A couple of years ago when we started to see Lizzie’s peers in Australia living a life that we couldn’t offer her here we began looking at schools, she made a choice and picked what she felt worked best for her. As we made the tour G and I gave each other the side-eye while looking around the boarding house, are we really doing this? How did we get here? Didn’t she only turn three last year? Weren’t you just teaching her how to ride a bike? Is that our child asking where she can do her hand washing?
So no, we’re not leaving – but one of us is going on an adventure. She’ll be back and forth between us and her Grandparents, Aunts, family friends and hopefully her new best friends. We are devastated and I don’t say that lightly, my heart is breaking and I am a mess, but sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones to make.
There goes another box of Kleenex.
Oh! Such a big decision. Such an adventure. As someone who lives in a regional community where kids often “go away to school” this is not a new concept for me. We are not sure. Still talking about it. Discussing. Tours to come. But I know that if we choose that direction it will be only a few hours down the road. Sending love as you make the most of this year. Enjoy your girl xx
My husband and all of his six brothers and sisters went to boarding school. They are all wonderful, well-rounded, gainfully employed adults and remain very close to their parents. I wish you and your daughter all the best on her new adventure. xxx
Kirsty, I can’t tell you how glad I am you’ve made that decision. I’ve often read your posts as I just did with tears in my eyes, wondering just how you got it just right and summed up what I was thinking. We’ve been struggling with exactly the same decision for the past 6 months and recently decided our currently 12.5 year old, will go to boarding school in September. The judgements (why are you sending her away was my favourite…) which had us swinging wildly for so many months. We just know it’s right for her and us as a family. Our 16 year old son goes to the same school, so it should be, and is in fact, easier as we know how much he loves it and how wonderful the school is. This is not a punishment – it’s one of the most wonderful opportunities your daughter will ever have and she’ll thank you for it as I’m sure she’s doing now. As I said, so very glad you’ve written this xx
PS: Check out ‘What sort of sadist sends a child to boarding school? Me’ by James Delingpole. May help to cement the fact that what you’re doing is the right thing: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/9831926/What-sort-of-sadist-sends-a-child-to-boarding-school-Me.html
Oh Kirsty. I’m currently seeing my very good friend live through this. Her first child started in boarding school a year ago. It wasn’t a perfect or easy transition but now he loves it. This year his younger brother joined him. It’s not at all easy. And this time it affects us more as he is my youngest kids best friend. I’ve seen all sides of the argument. There are no perfect answers. But the biggest thing I’ve learnt is that it’s not my place to judge. It’s not been an easy decision for my friend. I know it’s a choice she and her husband have agonised over. As her friend I need to listen, offer support and sometimes bite my tongue. My heart breaks as she admits the small steps of progress and also the sad moments when he misses them dreadfully. It’s not a story with a perfect ending yet. I’m sure there are good and bad days to come. I just want to be there for them as it unfolds. I wish you all the good wishes and no judgements. You know best what is right for your family. This is the beginning of a wonderful adventure.
Nothing to add except you are one of the smartest women I know and one of the most loving mothers… so trust your gut. If it feels right for her, it is- even if it hurts. Lizzie will soar. xxx
Oh gosh I can’t even imagine what you are feeling, what a wonderful opportunity for your daughter though and you are an amazing mum for putting aside your own anguish to allow her to flourish! I have tears for you, I’ve spent 3 nights away from my son in 5 years and that was when having his baby brother lol! Hopeless xxx
I am right here with you, my twins (14-years old) attend a boarding school in Kenya while we live in Djibouti. I’ve loved and hated it, they’ve loved it. Thanks for sharing your reality and heart. (I’ve been a silent follower for a long time here) I’ve also written a lot about it, here is a piece for Brain Child Magazine: What Not to Say to the Parents of Boarding School Kids: http://www.brainchildmag.com/2014/09/what-not-to-say-to-the-parents-of-boarding-school-kids/
Only you and your family know what’s right for you all. As parents, wherever we may live, we all at some stage are faced with decisions we thought we’d never have to make. I can totally see and understand where you are coming from.
And, my goodness, what a mature and strong woman your little girl will become for the experience. From what you write, it sounds like Lizzie has such a strong family base, both with you and your extended families in Australia so she will be well supported. Take care xxx
Thank you so much @ginabaynham:disqus It’s such a personal thing. G moved cities for his first year of Uni and it was really hard, he started without a friend base and found it difficult. If we were American she would start Uni and everyone would be from somewhere else and they’d be a fabulous res programme etc but in Oz it’s very different. I know that this is the right thing, that she will make life long friends and be given a fantastic education – I just wish I could go with her 🙂
You are lovely and gorgeous and I am so glad you are my friend. That is all.
Oh, I had a lump in my throat reading this, can only imagine how you must feel! I am so sorry that you have been on the receiving end of such thoughtless and hurtful comments. Thanks for sharing your story, I hope it helps others who are thinking through and facing the same issue…in fact, I am sure it WILL help others. You daughter will always have you with her, no matter how many kilometers separate you…speaking from my own, slightly different but still very potent experience. xx
So so timely. My middle child has applied for boarding school. There are good schools here (country NSW) and she has even won a scholarship to a local private school. But she wants to “see what else is out there”. While neither my husband or I want her to go, I also think that it’s not really about us. She researched suitable schools, got the enrolment forms, knew when they were due. And she was 10. How can we stand in her way? So we haven’t decided 100% yet. But I have a glimpse of your heartache. x
Oh gosh, you poor bugger! I think you’re incredibly brave to make the call you think is going to serve your daughter best as she becomes an adult. No doubt she has experienced a whole lot of wonderful opportunities due to the expat life, and this will be another that will allow her to grow even more. I hope the transition goes well and she loves her new school. And I’ll buy you a stiff drink in August. xxx
No matter what choices we make for our children there is always someone who will criticize our choices and sometimes we parents can be our harshest critics. You are giving your daughter a gift .. a gift of her knowing that you will always do what is best for her, even if you aren’t sure it is best for your heart. You daughter is well grounded in love and will find her roots because you are giving her wings to fly.
This decision must have been so difficult. I get it too. A friend of ours was relocated as a teenager (from the UK to Israel). He hated it and found it difficult to make friends. He feels he missed out on proper teenage friends and experiences, a difficult enough time as it is (being a teenager). I know this is a different situation to you, but it is still similar.
It really made us think about our expat life and our own children. He asked us to consider their needs (when they are teenagers) – some thing that had not occurred to us at this level, before. We have decided we will move back to Aus when our children are teenagers, it could happen earlier on its own accord, and I am ok with that.
You n G are brave and selfless.
No one but no one has the right to judge or pass comment.
I hesitate to think that maybe, one day in the not too distany future we might also consider the same for our daughter for all the same reasons.
Hope we can be as brave and selfless.
Hugs hugs
X
I feel like crying reading this as I know exactly what you are going through. Our eldest has a year and a quarter of boarding under her belt. It was a hard decision but her decision, there is a fantastic international school here where we live (New Delhi) but she decided to stay on at her school and board. We too wanted her to have a friendship base and life in Australia before she heads to University. We also wanted her to have those special friendships that are unique – made from completing high school/boarding school together. We were also very conscious of the fragility of expat life. What would we do if the company my husband works for wanted us to move whilst our child was in gr11 or 12? Also her level of freedom is just not the same here, in Australia as a 15 year old she can go to the beach/movies/shops with friends, catch the bus on her own, go for a jog etc. None of that is possible here for safety reasons. We didn’t want here to miss out on all those normal teenage activities. It is one of the hardest things we have done as a family and I won’t lie, the family dynamic does change, it just isn’t the same when one of your children is not under your roof. I sleep so much better when she is home! We want to give our children every opportunity and while it wasn’t the best decision for us as a family it was the best decision for her. I totally understand your mum’s reaction, I get very defensive when friends and acquaintances tell us that they could never make the decision that we have. Like we are doing this to punish her? Or we are less caring parents than them?! I ask them “do you want the best for your children regardless of what is best for you?”. The answer is always yes, and I say “well this is no different!” I still believe that my father is right (when I was sobbing to him on the phone saying how much I missed my girl) that it is harder on us the parents than it is on the child. All the best, you will get used to the change but saying goodbye never ever gets easier.
Really not easy and every families journey is different so you have to stick to your own beliefs of what’s right for your own family…our eldest who’s only 12 has just won a scholarship to a performing arts school in the UK ..as we only have 2 kids we can afford to make the move and all go back after 9 years in Singapore but if we had more children and had to stay financially would we let her go and fulfil her dream of being on the stage or deny her..that I don’t know..we don’t have to make that choice but if we did what would we do ?! …your daughter is old enough to have been fully involved in the decision so she will be fine. As she settles so will you I’ve seen this with so many families. As always your honesty and ability to articulate how so many expats feel is formidable and helps so many . Be brave x
My British friends speak of boarding school as if it was a normal thing to do. As an American it carries the connotation that somehow you weren’t able to cope with your child and it’s a punishment of some sort. Sending her “home” is probably the greatest gift you could give her, so don’t listen to those who don’t understand. There will be lots of tears on both sides, but this is not a decision that can’t be modified or undone if it doesn’t work out the way you expect. If you think this is what is best and your daughter agrees, good for you!
We have sent our 14 1/2 to boarding school this year. She has left her cosy International School in Singapore for a boarding school in the High Country of Victoria. It has been three months of tears ( hers and mine) but also 3 months of maturity. Her school has children from Dubai,Hong Kong,Singapore,China,America,India,Indonesia England and Australia so still has an international vibe but in the Aussie bush, this year then in a large city.
We miss her so much it hurts but for all the same reasons as you,Kirsty, she needs to do this.
My boys ( expat kids all their lives) went to boarding school at 14 and have made friends for life. They had kids to share houses with at Uni and learnt valuable life skills so they could become independent young adults.
It never gets easy and I’m dreading the return to school after this Easter break. The 7 year old,though,is loving being an only child during term time!
Kirsty, it’s nobody’s business but your own. We’re going through the same process but are handling it slightly differently insofar as we’re able to move back to the UK, so we are doing. OH travels so much that we might as well be without him in the UK as in Russia… But it’s the schooling, and the chance for our boys to live a ‘normal’ life in the country they call home (but haven’t lived in for 6 years) which is the driving force. I just don’t get why other people feel they have the right to comment on your decision when you will of course have turned it this way, that way, and looked at it from every angle before making your choice.
Good luck with it, and hold your nerve…
Just the fact that you have written this means that whatever happens she will be fine. You are not sending her away because you don’t love her, or don’t want her around, or can’t cope with her. You have very sound reasons for why she is going to board and she will understand that and know that you love her so will still be secure in that even if she is not physically with you. And technology these days is fantastic, you will still be able to speak to her daily if necessary. I went to a boarding school in the 1980’s and didn’t speak to my parents for months on end. It was very different then (and yet even so I am fine – again, knowing that my parents didn’t really have that choice: they were posted to Caracas around the time i was taking my O levels so it was probably a good thing I was there already!). One thing I will say though is don’t be afraid to move her if that particular school isn’t right for her. I am sure it will be, as she is 15 and had a say in the choice. But if it doesn’t work out there may be another school that is a better fit.
I agree with you Rebecca: it does carry the same connotation in France as well. Living abroad made me realize that Aussies, SouthAfricans and UKs are considering it a chance, and to some extent a must do. And if for any reasons it doesn’t work (which it will not) you can always get her back. Cheers Kirsty to your solid parenting mind.
It’s one of the hardest things I have ever done was to send my two eldest to boarding schools in Scotland while we lived in Singapore. The eldest broke my heart on the first phone call saying he waked up every morning and wished he wasn’t there, but by Christmas holidays he said he wished he had always gone there’s my daughter only 12 , went to an all girls school. She too took several weeks to settle but did and enjoyed her time there but chose to return to the academic school she had gone to since age 7. Both now say it was the best thing they did and it certainly made them much more independent. Both now young adults with careers and the bonds they made at boarding school are still very strong. Yes you will shed tears but you know deep down that it is the best decision to be made at this time. Good luck to you & Lizzie, will be thinking if you both.
Kirsty we have just gone through this … Sending our 12 yr old boy to Perth. It was a decision that took a long time …. The most difficult one we have ever made …. Much harder than deciding to move the family to Doha …. We have felt judged too……had all the same conversations and opinions from friends and strangers as well….. The anticipation that went on for months was horrendous ….. The actual dropping him off was so so hard for us and the next day we both had a massive meltdown as if we had lost a limb or something….. But all the while … Throughout the entire process which is a year in the making at least … Our son was so excited to be going home and absolutely loves boarding … Never fretted ….. Was desperate to go back to an outdoorsy sporty life with other aussie boys ..
The relief we have felt has been life changing … The school is amazing … It is teaching him resilience and independence and consideration for others….
We know we have done the right thing for him … Don’t beat yourself up… I cried all the time like you are doing now … It’s normal … Its a grief thing … You just have to let yourself off the hook and go through it…. Just know that she will probably love it … It’s been hard not being there for everything but having grandparents there is a god send.
We know we have given him the greatest gift we can …. And he already knows it and is appreciating it.
Worth the heartache just to see him so happy .
Good luck .
Thank you for writing this article Kirsty. I wanted to suggest this topic for your pod casts because it is what I am living through as an expat, but I actually wasn’t sure you would relate! We made the same decsion in 2012 for no. 1 & 2014 for no. 2. For the same reasons as you. Both boys sent to boarding school in Sydney. It will be heartbreaking (for you) there’s just no way around that. But, it will get wonderful!! You will look forward to her visits like you can’t imagine. The new depth of relationship she will develop with her Grandparents and extended family will stay with her forever. And Australia is too wonderful a country not to share with her beyond beach holidays. Our no. 1 is now at Uni in Sydney, and it is exciting for us to watch his expat life and his Sydney life gel into a very confident 18 year old. Only thing now is that our no. 3 (& youngest) is making noises about going to school in Australia too..so the empty nest is sure to arrive before we are ready, but that’s another discussion!!
Really enjoyed reading your post. We have made a joint decision with our son for him to go to boarding school as he starts senior years. The time has come for us to put him first now. Moving him during his senior school just wouldn’t be good for him. Thanks again for sharing this story. We know it’s the right choice but we are sure there will be times that we question our decision.
The best thing I did was send my son to boarding school when he was 16years old. It gave him a chance to grow, get used to his ‘home’ country and to decide for himself what his next steps were. Living in the ME opened his eyes, broadened his horizons and he now has friends from all over the world BUT … nothing prepared him better for life after the ME than those two years back home. It isn’t an easy decision to make but ultimately you are doing the best for your child. My son is now a confident world traveller and is living in New Zealand!
Sending big hugs as I know how you are feeling.
Thanks Corinne xxx
Will definitely have a read, thanks so much Rachel xx
Jodi your comment is very reassuring and exactly what we’re hoping for. She now has friends from all over the world but we need to make sure she has a strong base at home as well. xx
Best of luck with it all Sarah, I question one day, reassure myself the next. 🙂 xx
Thank you thank you thank you! It was this “Australia is too wonderful a country not to share with her beyond beach holidays.” that I loved the most. We’ll definitely talk about it in the podcast, maybe even next week. xxx
Thanks Shevaun, your comment is incredibly reassuring and your advice heartwarming. “Don’t beat yourself up” – thank you xx
Thank you. xxx
Thanks Clara xxx
Thank you, I feel so much better having written about it. xx
Thank you Melissah, it’s so nice to hear from people who have gone through it and come out the other side. I’m hanging on to my 8 year old for dear life 🙂 xx
That’s what I keep thinking – if it all turns pear shaped and it’s truly terrible she can always come back. xxx
Thanks so much Rebecca xxx
This entire comment had me nodding in agreement. We are in exactly the same situation. I want her to be able to experience exactly what you’ve said – catch up bus, walk up the road for sushi, go for a run etc. Thank you so much. xx
xxx
Its heartbreaking. We were living in Cambodia at the time and my 2 girls were 11 & 12 when we decided to send them home for High School. They had lived in Cambodia since they were 5 & 6. Their favourite actor was Jackie Chan and their favourite movie at the time was Kung Fu hustle. They could watch movies in Chinese and Khmer without complaining of it having no English subtitles. They had adopted Cambodia as their home and NZ was just a place they visited for holidays. Being maori myself I realized my girls didnt know anything about their own culture as well. As hard as it was I knew one day my girls would need to have a sense of belonging and identity. It broke my heart to send them home to NZ, both my babies gone. I had a great support group of friends around me who gave me a month to mourn the loss of my girls. They said I could cry and complain for a month but after that I had to get on with my life and let the girls settle. I have to admit it wasn’t easy for me or my girls as going home was a huge culture shock. I still remember them asking the boarding mistress if they supply rice at meals and if not could they bring their own rice cooker. Im sure your mini me would blossom at home in Australia and believe me the tears will flow both ways.
Thanks for sharing this Kirsty, and for so eloquently (as always!) articulating the unique challenges and decisions that go with expat-parenthood. The ‘boarding back home for last 2 years before uni’ is a path we’ve always thought we might go down, and although at 13 our eldest is still a couple of years away from the decision, you’ve completely captured everything we feel. Good luck to you all xx
I can understand why you’ve all made that decision. It’s the same choice my parents and I made for me many many years ago! It’s hard- on everyon, but it’s worth it.
Beautiful! Tears rolling down my face. It takes courage and tons of parental love to make this decision and being an expat with 3 kids myself, i think it is a very wise decision. She will grow so much and learn so much supported by you in qatar. A lifetime experience
Whoever says they could not do that haven’t really thought about it. My eldest is about to enter university and it’s been almost a year since we started talking about the fact that, next school year, his room would be empty (someone already has an eye on it), his chair at the dining table as well…
It’s killing me softly, but at the same time, I didn’t have children for them to stay with me. One day sooner or later they will all leave the nest. And I just might enjoy parts of that free time, though I’ll miss them dearly.
You just chose for it to happen a few years earlier than absolutely necessary, and that’s because you took into account a number of aspects, like is she mature enough, will she have support there, does she want to…
You’re doing what any good mother would do: what she thinks is best for her child.
Good for you.
And all the best to all of you. Adding or removing members of a family unit always require some readjustments, and these take time.
XO
“There are two gifts we should give our children, one is roots and the other is wings.” Lizzie has an awesome family who are willing to share her, allow her opportunities, give room for her to grow – she is so blessed, as you are by her. A tough decision well made, xx.
She”ll either love it or she’ll hate it, and if she still hates it after 6 months than you can reconsider and bring her home. But if she loves it it will be the most amazing experience for her. What a great opportunity you are giving her. Other kids go to europe on high school exchanges for a year…shé’s going to be doing something like the reverse!
My eldest is studying for GCSEs this summer, has chosen her A Levels and already made a list of universities to apply to. I used to joke about how long before she could leave home and now I can’t think about it without a tear or two. Your kids will be fine, you’re going to miss her, it’s a small world as they say. Thanks for sharing, always an enjoyable read x
my 17 year old has just gone to Spain solo to do a 3 month Spanish course at a university there. Waving her off was very hard – especially as she didn’t speak any Spanish on day one – but watching her blossom and fly as she thrives in the cosmopolitan environment makes my heart sing. I went away to school in my last year and it was truly a formative experience and set me up for university and life. Well done all of you for having the emotional strength and guts to give it a go – being launched into a new life with the back up of all the love and support from the family is the most exciting thing
Oh your words are so true. My eldest chose to board when we last “expatted” from Australia and it was so very hard the first six months. Your relationship with your child does change somewhat, to a much more adult interaction. And it wasn’t all brilliant for him, even now as a young adult he has conflicted feelings about the experience. Ultimately though I do think he matured in ways he would have found hard living overseas with us. Now we are facing the possibility that our 16yo daughter may have to board somewhere for the next two years as we move on to a new location…. Even having done this path before my heart is in my throat every time I think about it. Do update! So many of us are in the same emotional place.
Kirsty, we are Australians and have lived a similar life to you moving around the world with our only child in tow. We too were concerned about her lack of Australian knowledge as she progressed through school. She completed her schooling through the IB program at an international school in Cyprus and then had to make the decision to move back to Australia for university or to the UK, the decision was hers. She chose Australia as in her words “I’m an Australian, but I don’t feel Australian, I want to become Australian”. She lived on campus for the first year and that made the transition relatively easy for her as the others there
were in a similar situation to her….living away from home, mostly as first timers. She has now done all the things you want for your daughter, learnt how to catch a bus, had part time jobs, got her drivers licence etc etc. She has become an Australian, just a few years later!! It is a very personal decision and no-one else will appreciate your anxiety or understand your reasoning as each and everyone of us is in a different situation and each and every child (and parent) have different personalities. It is far from easy when your child leaves home, no matter how old they are.
Oh Kirsty! My eyes welled up with tears thinking about Ava going off like this – and she’s only 4! I can feel your heartache but you have to do what is right for all of you and most importantly, your baby. You haven’t made the decision light-heartedly (as if you would) and all you can do is trial it. She has amazing family there to turn to and wow, what an adventure. Your ‘community’ will be here to hold your hand every step of the way. xx
It’s your decision to make and quite frankly others should not have an opinion. Mine were just a couple of years older when going to uni and the gaping hole in the family is still there – but they’re making their own lives and I’m happy for them. xx
What an awesome adventure for her but I can 100% relate to your trepidation in having to say goodbye for a while. Having gone to boarding school at the age of 12 I can honestly say that although it was difficult at times it was a fantastic experience and even all these years later I think of it fondly. Good luck to you all in the lead up to her starting at her new school and know that you are doing this for all of the right reasons. What anyone else thinks doesn’t really matter. It is about what is right for you and for her. xx
Now here is post I can really relate to. After many years in Qatar, my eldest son said “I don’t know what it means to be Australian.” He could navigate his way through international airports, swear proficiently in several languages, was well versed in Gulf politics, different religions and had friends from all corners of of globe. But, as you say, he didn’t know how to catch a tram, he had never learnt to surf or had a weekend job! It was a collaborative decision and choice of school, and I felt like my heart was torn out every time I waved him off at the airport. But he survived. Yes, there were tough phone calls, yes, he got home sick, but he made friends which made his transition to uni so much easier. And his school friends are still his best friends now. Boo hiss to all those people who fail to engage their brains before expressing their opinion, as if it was a “hey let’s get an icecream/hey, let’s ship the kids off to boarding school” type decision.
Kirsty, if your friend is looking for boarding schools in Melbourne, you can put her in touch with me too.
It seems to me that what you want is for her to be “Australian” which is a good thing of course! but she is a TCK ( third culture kid) and she will of course always be a product of her own experience. And as such she may find herself playing down her international experience in an Australian boarding school. Australian universities attract foreign students from all over the globe… it will be interesting to see if she identifies more with the international set when she gets to Uni. All the best to her and you… such decisions are never easy.
I think I understand what you’re saying but she already is Australian, she has Australian parents and was born in Australia. So it’s not that I want her to be Australian. What I want is for her to have the experience of living and going to school in Australia. She has a lovely life here with us in Qatar but she (and we) feel for the first time in our expat experience that she’s missing out. While she has fun meeting friends at the mall and playing sport at school, she’s ready to live the life of an Aussie teenager. I want her to have more freedom: learn to drive, catch a train, wear what she likes, head to the beach, get up early and go rowing, head to the football or cricket with a group of friends. I want her to have an opportunity to make the same friendships I made at school before she goes to Uni. She has friends at school in Oz and she’s sees their lives and the opportunities they have and she’s keen to jump in. Yes, she is a TCK, and she will always identify with TCK’s and I’m sure she’ll befriend international students as she’ll understand what it’s like to be away from home but she’ll have something international students won’t – a house in Oz, grandparents, aunts, family friends etc.
Thank you gorgeous xx
Thank you so much, I will update, this post has shown me just how many of us are out there and while we all make different choices we’re all here to support each other. xx
Our 10 year old has started to say this more n more ….. you know what it means to be Australian. I don’t! You went to the ssme school n lived in the same house for years ….. I don’t.
Its tough.
You say she’s a child? You chose to have children, so keep her as a child.. She is still your dependant. She can make her own decissons when she’s an adult! You’ve made the decision for her, to send her away!! You only have such a small number of years together, when they are so young and so close. But, ultimately, that’s your choice!!
Part time parents with too much money
We are Americans, living in the south of the country, where many people feel boarding schools are for miscreants or privileged horsey girls or high Episcopalians who want (or whose parents want them) to wear a coat and tie every day (if boys) and go to chapel before morning classes.
We fit none of these categories. I come from the New York area (not the south), where children often go to boarding schools because the education is excellent. And our girls were born in Boston. We knew the northeast well–a hub of great boarding schools.
So when our 13-year-old older girl wanted to go to a girls’ school in New England for high school, despite our good public (free) system here in our university town, we were not alarmed–though many of our friends were. She picked the school, got the academic scholarship, and went–and was the youngest girl, by a year, in the entire school. (She had done 2 years in one in grade school.)
You would have thought we were sending her to boot camp or jail: How could you? Why would you? What kind of mother are you? What goes on in your house that we don’t know about? Is she troubled?
Our daughter knew what she wanted–she always has–and we were happy for her. Missed her terribly and I cried barrels on the drive home (it was only 700 miles and on the same continent) but still, there was her empty seat at the table. But she knew her mind. And it was a fabulous school. On free weekends she took the bus, alone, to NYC to visit her grandmother and see Broadway and other shows. She loves the theatre. She navigated the subway system just fine, at 13. I am glad she was already almost six feet tall.
It was the best decision ever. She came back here for university and now she and her husband live in NYC. Her best friends are from boarding school.
Such a tough decision. I went to boarding school in WA….a long way from my “only child outback” life, at 11. I had no relatives in the City and at that time you only flew home 3 times a year. I cried for 5 years!! I hated every minute of it and still remember how I felt even now…over 50 years later! I never forgave my mother and would remind her often how cruel she was!! I know though that they really didn’t have a choice and also that I was given many opportunities that I would not have had otherwise. I also made some lovely friends who are still in my life today. Boarding schools today are very different to then and I am constantly amazed at how they are now run and how “fancy” they are and the opportunities …both social and educational that are provided. But…I still can’t help feeling sad for any child that has to go to Boarding School. Although in your case, it sounds like it is a mutual decision and your daughter is much older than most that are sent away from mum and dad. Good luck and many hugs.
Kirsty, I went to boarding school for high school. It must have been agonizing for my parents, but at the time I didn’t have a clue. I was too excited doing whatever it is that teenagers in boarding schools do (mostly late nights at drama rehearsals I think – it was a performing arts school.) Screw the judgement, and screw what other people think (Oh gosh, I used bad words on-line). You do what’s best for your family. Sending my boys away would break my heart in a million pieces and I’m crying with you right now, even though they are not even in elementary yet, but if it was best for them, I hope I’ll have the courage to make that choice too.
Oh wow I have tears too – mainly because I’m projecting how I would feel. My husband is German and is very keen for our kids to go to uni in Germany. Even now – 10 years from that happening – it makes my stomach flip just thinking about it, so I can only imagine how you’re feeling. But it’s such an opportunity for the kids – what a gift to give them. To have a level of independence and responsibility that it’s almost impossible to give them when they’re here with us. Every family is different – and every child is different. But looking from the outside, this looks like an incredible opportunity for yours.
I loved the honesty and openness of this post and I’m so sorry that you are having to face one of the harder parts of expat life, as a mother. In times like this I remind myself that it’s often the most difficult decisions in life which turn out to be the best for all involved. Your daughter will gain strength and independence, and will no doubt thank you for this in later life! But that doesn’t make it any easier I know. Good luck to all of you and ignore the comments – you’ve got to do what’s right for you, it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks.
I started at an Adelaide boarding school in year 10 and it was the best decision my parents ever made (despite the 14 year old angst at being sent away!). My best friends are still my school friends, and even though few of us still live in Adelaide – 15 of us still catch up at every wedding and Christmas. Most of us still go by our embarrasing nick names (that are generally related to surnames that have changed so seem a little odd), we often use school lingo when there are more than 3 of us and when we are more than a bottle or two in the school song comes out in all its glory! Best of luck for all of you – and although it isn’t the same as being there – thank goodness for Skype etc! x
PS – that school is a winner – our Adelaide house is just down the road (if we ever go back there) and having worked at their afterschool care program while I was at uni I would have no qualms about sending my girlies (if I have any) there down the track. x