If You Can’t Say Something Nice…

I ducked into the supermarket on the way home from kickboxing this morning. It’s fair to say I wasn’t looking my best. Red-faced with hair in desperate need of a wash, and the full knowledge that lycra is not my friend, I sat outside in the car and weighed up my options – I wanted salad. I knew if I didn’t invest in a lettuce, a couple of fresh figs and handful of tomatoes, my lunch was going to head down the path of a re-heated green chicken curry. I’ve lost a few kilos lately but I have a lot more to go, and with 5 weeks until our summer holidays I know that it’s now or never. Heading home to Australia means heading home to winter; steak and mushroom pies, gutsy McLaren Vale reds, and the inevitable result of a few extra kilos to bring back on the plane. My own very personal excess baggage.

I stopped at a Carrefour which is close to where the children go to school, they have a few cheeses there that I haven’t seen elsewhere. While I loaded the basket with fruit and vegetables I threw in a gooey cylinder of pure indulgent fromagé pleasure. The kind of French cheese that is best left on the bench for a day, allowing it to ooze over the sides of fresh bread before being washed down with a glass of red. It was going to the back of the fridge to be saved for one of those Thursday nights where G and I skip dinner and sit in front of the telly with an episode of House of Cards and a bottle or red. Bliss.

As I said good morning to the supermarket check-out operator I lifted my shopping basket onto the conveyor belt. She smiled, said the same and began to swipe the barcodes. When she made it to the cheese she stopped, and then proceeded to look me up and down.

“I like this one, this one’s good” she smiled. I agreed, told her my husband and I loved it.

“You know though, it’s this that is making you fat.” Her arms made the motion of a curvaceous woman’s body. A very curvaceous women’s body. We’re talking arms outstretched.

The woman waiting in line behind me shook her head in amazement, I giggled and calmly replied that that was why I was standing in front of her in my gym gear, so that I could eat cheese. As I handed her my debit card she looked confused, confused in a but you’re still fat and you shouldn’t be eating cheese kind of way. I thanked her and made my way to Starbucks for a coffee. A few minutes later as I walked to the car I ran into the woman who was standing behind me in line.

“Can you believe she said that?” she asked me.

“Yes. I can!” I giggled “It’s happened so often since I’ve been here, it actually makes me laugh now. You can’t take offence. I just put it down to a cultural difference. I really don’t think she was trying to be offensive.”

A few years ago G and I returned from our summer break. I’d enjoyed our holiday very much, a little too much, and had become well acquainted with the staff at the local bakery. I’d also made friends at the fish and chip shop, the local drive-in bottle shop, and the bread lady at the Farmers Market and I were on a first name basis. My next door neighbour here in Qatar at the time had a full time cleaning lady who often helped G and I out with babysitting. When she came to say hello upon our return to Qatar her opening line involved clutching the top of my arm and exclaiming “Madam, what happened?! You got so fat!”. I was gutted (pardon the pun). I knew she was right, I had stacked on the weight on our trip home but she was the first person to say it out loud. Not one of my friends in Australia or my family had dared make a remark, they never have.

In all of my years of fluctuating weight there’s a pattern which seems to be universal in the western world. If you lose weight everyone feels the need to comment “Oh my gosh, you look fantastic, have you lost weight?”. If you put on weight nothing is said, perhaps a polite  “You’re looking well.” The f word? Not once. Not once has a friend, sister, Aunt or cousin jumped in with an alarmed “what happened to you?!”.

As much as I feel the honest approach has merit, I’m not sure my self esteem is equipped to cope with it full time. Or perhaps that’s the problem, I’ve become too sensitive in my western ways. What do you think? Is weight a different conversation when it comes to your geographical location?

I don’t often ask you do this but today I’d love to hear your comments. Where are you located? And is your weight a public discussion? Has anyone ever said anything out loud to you about your weight? I know those of you in Asia will have stories to tell. A girlfriend of mine still giggles over her introduction to family to her Indonesian housekeeper.

“Have I introduced you to my mother in law?”

“Yes, she’s very fat isn’t she.”

Insert awkward pause here. For about a week.

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Comments

  1. mary_j_j says

    Ha, here in downtown Rockdale my darling neighbour is known to yell, in her quaint 80+ year old Macedonian way “You’ve got fat”, across the street. I feel like returning with “And you need to wash your hair” but instead I laugh and say Yes! She also calls it when I have lost weight, so its honesty is the best policy for her!

  2. Yes, my weight and my shoe size are absolutely up for public discussion in Singapore! Quite a lot of “our clothes won’t fit you” before I even have a foot in the shop.

    My wonderful cleaner/babysitter told me the other week “your clothes used to really big but now they’re just normal size!” This made me laugh and must be the Filipino version of “you look really good!”

  3. Its such a personal struggle for so many…. here in Qatar I deal with the comments of “oh you got so fat”, I just smile and say “Thank you! I try my best at everything I do!”
    When I lived in China, I would walk in to a store and they would run, yes run, shouting, ” NO biggy, no Biggy” as in, they have no big sizes so don’t ask or they will have to save face and find something to fit you… LOL

  4. Kimberly Fisher Horan says

    Shopping for a dress for a wedding here in Manila lots of shops say they have nothing for “someone big” (Australian size 10 haha). I tried on a large in one shop & it didn’t go near me. Went to a store that has American brands & the small was too big. Can’t win! 😉

  5. Ali Read says

    I was at a wedding quite a few years back and was told I couldn’t catch the bouquet bc I was pregnant (which was 10 years before I had kids). I just looked at her and said, I’m not pregnant, I’m just FAT. She tried to apologise but I just couldn’t be bothered and may have told her to F off. (Did I mention it was at the bouquet throwing stage of a wedding).

  6. when my father came to visit us in Shanghai all the ladies in the shops would run up and rub his belly for good luck. They said he was like the laughing Buddha. Dad would just giggle, mum wasn’t as impressed! 🙂

  7. Corinne Rochette says

    The only people who mentioned that it bothered them were my ex-husband and his family… Hence the ‘ex’ 🙂

  8. In India, our staff used to always say that I was getting too thin and ask if they could make me a tea or some chapati. They wanted me “fat” … but then I would go in to shops and they would immediately say “Ma’am, we don’t have large sizes here”. Singapore was the same – fuggeddabout it when it came to trying to find clothes at the mall! Some of the comments are hysterical! Now that I’m back in the US of A, larger people are (unfortunately) the norm.

  9. Corinne Rochette says

    In another way, a friend of mine, quite petite, moved to Houston. After they landed at the airport, her 6yo son asked: “Mom, do men get pregnant here too?” (He’d just seen me go trough the last stages of pregnancy before leaving) 🙂

  10. I worked and lived in Qatar for five years and can definitely relate (I love your stories, they remind me of ‘home’). I too put it down to cultural differences and learned to smile! I also got people commiserating over my freckles…to which I never had an issue with beforehand!

  11. Leanne H says

    Gym owner, to me, during a pause in the Zumba class I was sweating through…”Oh, I didn’t realise you were pregnant!” “I’m not, that’s why I joined your gym, so I could stop looking pregnant!”

  12. 26 Years & Counting says

    I once hadn’t seen my parents in about 3 years, met up with them at Starbucks. First thing out of one of their mouths? “Wow, you’re fat”. Gee, thanks. No “I’ve missed you” or anything. I also had a friend who did similar for bitchy reasons. Interestingly, I don’t speak to any of these people these days.
    But when it’s cultural differences it is different.

  13. Funny, we always chuckle at the almost childlike directness we’ve encountered in many Asian countries, “how old are you?” “Why do you only have 1 child?” I think it is just cultural difference and it can be somewhat refreshing!! I’ve not had the weight comment although am on the chubby side, but hope they look on me as benignly as they do with those chubby boys they call “little emperors” lol

  14. eehbahmum says

    I was shopping for jeans in Malaysia and the sales assistant told me the jeans in my hand were ‘no good for fat lady’. I’m a size 8. Still wearing the jeans she chose for me!

  15. Rachel Morris says

    I get it even from my nearest and dearest. In a text conversation with someone a couple of months ago, I mentioned that I was back at the gym. The response “Good as I thought you looked bigger last time I saw you”. Didn’t want to say anything because it was the festive season”. Yeah but telling me by whatsapp is somehow gentler?

  16. Virginia says

    Thailand buying new underwear. The tiny little sales girl looks at my bottom, shakes her head sadly and says despondently “Oh no madam. Too bigggggggg….” I am usually a size 10 to 12, which is a small to medium in Australia. So depressing

    • I had the most bizarre experience here where I asked if they had my cup size, lets just say my cup runeth over and they are possibly somewhere near a f for freaking huge or g for ginormous. Anyhoo, when I asked if they had an e or an f the woman made a face that made it look like she was going to be sick, as in, you’re hideous! She then shook her head in disbelief and sent me on my way.

      • mary_j_j says

        Oh lord, buying undies at the market in China in a small city – and having the women pick up the undies, stretch them as far as possible and then want me to buy them! No common language needed there!! Kirsty – as for the bra lady did you want to strangle her?

      • Hannelene Beillard says

        Yeah, I was told that women of “that size” don’t have to wear a bra since the abaya will cover it. As if you simply don’t have to bother when you are that hideous.

  17. motheroftwo says

    It’s not just size that gets commented on, but also your age. In the UK it is considered impolite to ask a lady her age, but in Qatar I get asked matter-of-factly by home helps/ taxi drivers etc…. after several years in the Middle East, I have stopped being shocked but am still bemused 🙂

  18. A friend’s maid in JKT apparently thought I was pregnant. I was mortified when this little tidbit was shared with a load of other mums over coffee. That was about 13 years ago but the scenario is still nestled close enough in my memory to visit regularly! Another aspect of the debate is, how do you tell someone you love with your whole heart that you’re worried for them due to their weight gain?? Do you not care about their health if you don’t say anything, or not care enough for their feelings if you do?

    • Sarah Derrig says

      Shari I definitely think there is a right way to tell someone about their weight if you love them. My Husband is a very big guy. I’ve always known him big so have not had anything to compare to (although the photos of him playing professional rugby show me that he was once very fit). To me he is so hot and sexy and I love him to bits but recently as I noticed the weight was increasing even more I gently told him that he needed to start going to the gym as I want him around to walk our daughter down the aisle. The next morning he was up at 5.30 and went to the gym. His mother on the other hand has called him a “fat f*&CK” to his face and I will never ever respect her for calling her loving son those words. There is definitely a right way to approach someone that you love if it is concerning their health.

      • Your story is gorgeous Sarah, I had a little tear when I got to the walking down the aisle bit. I think your man is not only hysterical but also a bit of a spunk, and bloody watch out when he’s lost a couple of kilo’s because he is sensational on the dance floor! His mother though? Brutal! xx

  19. Yes, in Singapore, yes. I’m not really considered fat by most standards (size 8-10 Australian), but the clothes are cut for a different figure entirely. Usually it’s the chest they point out as they tell me not to bother heading for the fitting room.

    But that’s probably not considered a blow to the self esteem, so instead I’ll mention the “hairy like a man” comments I get at the waxing place. (This is an actual quote, and I’ve heard it more than once.)

    I’ll also mention that when I was pregnant my chest got big enough that all the staff in the maternity bra shop tried to crowd into the fitting room to get a gander. They didn’t make an excuse: when I told them I was ok to fit myself they said, “No, we just want to look because you’re so big.”

    In Morocco I was described as “fatter” than my rake-like friend and nobody expected this to be a problematic description.

    And yes, age – that’s just part of the conversation in a lot of places, Australia not being one of them!

  20. Natalie B says

    While we don’t interact with the locals very often in Riyadh, we do have many Filipino friends who are quite free with their comments. I’ve had many men complement my husband on his fit wife, asking him if I exercise, etc. Then I had one female friend tell me I was looking better because I use to be fat when she first met me. I don’t think I’d be too kind if all those comments went the other way.

  21. All these stories are Asia/Middle East. I’ve lived the last three years in France and it’s no better there. The sales people (who openly roll their eyes at you when they decide to acknowledge your existence) insist that you wear skin tight clothes and won’t allow you to try on a larger size. I realized my size 10 US body is actually part of the “big ladies” sizes in France no matter what the size conversions say. Made me just want to hide my sorrow in another baguette and wine (hence the 20 lbs I gained in France). Even more annoying is that the shops keep just a sample size on the floor so you have to ask a salesperson to bring you the correct size–so they can judge.

    • Is that where the sample thing comes from?? I went to a shop here the other day that did that! I was searching through the racks and couldn’t find anything my size and when I asked they said “we only keep one size on the racks but I can go out the back to find the larger sizes for you” I actually made a complaint, you’re absolutely right, it makes you feel awful and who wants to announce their size to an entire store??? Crazy.

    • Corinne Rochette says

      Ah! French sales people, so unhelpful!! I remember the first time I came back home from Houston, even I, being French, was shocked!!

  22. cateyroo says

    Huh! I live in Ouagadougou. I am overweight and not very good at keeping to my resolutions! But found it most disconcerting when my mother-in-law asked me outright what I was doing about my weight and whether I had been to a doctor about it?!?!?! Nothing cultural about it really…..

  23. I have been on a diet many many years ago. I am Canadian. I have heard all kinds of comments. I have been ask if I was pregnant so many times and I was not! Once I had lost a lot of pounds and was talking to a friend about bringing clothes to the seamstress to have those repaired. She told me that I should wait… She was certain that I would gain it back… But it did not happen. The worst was a cousin. We were talking about clothes. She has a weight problem. She said to me: isn’t difficult for us, fat women, to find nice clothes.. One woman at the office told me: your husband must be glad you lost weight… I told her that my husband loves me and that he does not make comments .. I could go on for days about the bad comments I heard. This had made me sad so often and it still does. I like your writing!

  24. Elizabeth says

    My weight has always been an issue, pretty much since I hit puberty. Before that, I didn’t eat much and was very very skinny. I still don’t eat much but I seem to be piling on the kilo’s without much help, but there was a period in between where I took up stress eating… hence my weight at the moment. If you saw my family though you would understand that it isn’t much of a choice. My friends won’t say anything to me about it, they know that it is a personal issue to me and that I don’t like to talk about it but my family don’t seem to have the same consideration. My Grandfather (who has dementia and the only one I can forgive) tells me every time he sees me that losing weight is something that I must get onto as soon as possible. My Grandmother talks about her own personal weight loss journey and tells me that I should join in too. My Grandmother tries to be kind about it, but more often that not isn’t. My parents are the worst though. My mother loves to point out my growing waistline as if pointing it out will make me want to try to do more about it, my father however doesn’t even try to be constructive just tells me that no one likes fat people. In a lot of ways I think it would be better if it was people telling me who were complete strangers, maybe then I wouldn’t have to take it so personally.

  25. Always a difficult one until you accept who you are. Size whatever. Someone once told me I was the only person they knew that was happy with themselves. Not always true. Perception is everything. I’m amazed that you picked up fresh figs for lunch!! Only Vegemite or tin tuna here !

  26. I live in Singapore where, as a British size 12, I am XL. But that is not commented on, oh no. What I get is women at beauty counters grabbing me to try their new ‘whitening product’. “No thanks’, I say with a smile, ‘but your freckles’ they gasp in horror ‘You need because of your freckles’. I need to mention here that I have a smattering of freckles over my nose and that’s all, nowhere else, but it horrifies the locals that I happily do nothing about my facial disfigurement..

  27. 6ft in Asia says

    I’ve lived in Asia for 15 years and at 6ft tall have become very used to the stares and the comments about my size. I’m not overweight (well not always, although 3 pregnancies have seen me approach giantess size!) I walk into stores now and get the distinct 10mile stare that communicates in one glance – “not a single thing in this store will fit you’. In China I experienced the fabulous feeling of freaky tall when I was able to stand in a toilet cubicle and watch the giggling aunties in the queue outside as I was a full head and shoulders over the top of the door. Don’t even get me started on shoes, size 42, not a chance. When I first arrived in Malaysia in my mid 20’s with a short hair cut and a ring in my nose I had a lot of questions at the office. A couple of years later when I’d grown my hair and lost the nose stud I saw a lady who used to work at the office, her first comment to me “ah, your hair long now, you not look like a boy anymore”. And so lovely to see you as well aunty…

  28. In my apartment lift with an Elderly neighbour, who was a complete stranger, she actually grabbed my under arm fat and wobbled it. Welcome to China!

  29. Hannelene Beillard says

    Even western friends have remarked “oh, you’re pregnant.” No, no, just fat. Our filipino housekeeper in EGypt kept asking me to switch to white rice, as brown rice was not making me skinny. Here in Lima, people just look me up and down and then remark that I must be from the U.S. Why yes, I am! What gave it away?

  30. TaiTaiInBeijing says

    We live in China and they are pretty straight forward too here. After returning from a holiday, my husband colleague told him he got fat. When he said he knew he had gained a few kilos…one of the secretary told him he should check the battery of the scale because it was more than a couple kilos 🙂

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