Too Muchness

I am drowning in a sea of too muchness right now.

I have retuned to the world of university and it has changed, oh how its changed. The online forums, audio pods, Facebook groups, and message centres have had me clicking from page to page in a haze of confusion. I’m the crazy old lady who asks the same question again and again. Is there a text book? Does anyone know if there is a text book? Where do I find the name of the text book? Where would I find the ISSBN number for the text book? How do I order the text book? Has anyone else had the text book delivered overseas? I CAN’T ORDER THE TEXT BOOK THE SITE HAS CRASHED? HAS THE SITE CRASHED FOR ANYONE ELSE?? WHAT IF I CAN’T GET THE TEXT BOOK?

I’ve just ordered the text book.

Yesterday I stumbled across the announcement board and realized the information I’d been screaming for had been available to me since the 20th February. I sent my lecturer an apology note. I’m sorry, I promise I’ll get better at this.

I began swimming lessons this week. While I really wanted to return to swimming, I really didn’t want to return to swimming. I love the water and was a competent swimmer as a child, but things have changed since then, things like 20 additional kilos and the boob action that goes with it. I now place my bosoms into my bathers as I imagine one packs grapefruit into a stocking. Swimming lessons has meant putting my bathers on in a group and sharing my level of unfitness with friends. It has meant stopping halfway down the pool to catch my breath while watching the others do twice as much. I’ve had to swallow my pride and about 5 litres of chlorinated water, and just get on with it.

I hand out so much advice to my children in their day to day. When they attempt to blame someone else for their struggles, when it becomes someone else’s fault, “don’t be a victim” I’ll tell them as they begin to complain about an umpire’s decision. After they point out the skill of someone their age”C’mon, don’t worry about anyone else, focus on yourself, think about how good you’ll feel when you master this”. I’ve watched them run up and down, swim up and down, throw the ball farther, jump higher – all the while with huge expectations of sportsmanship and courage. “It’ll be fun!” I’ve said as we’ve signed up for something new.

And it is – it is fun. But while I’ve been pushing them forward I think I’ve underestimated the uncomfortable. The fear of the new and the unknown.

Last night I sat and cried at my keyboard, I just couldn’t work out where to find the information I needed to begin my very first subject. I hadn’t been able to order the text book, and others seemed to be forging ahead with their writing while I was still stuck in the land of admin. Did I really need to go and get a passport photo and send a hard copy to Australia for my student card? I couldn’t open a document. I double clicked to nowhere on a link. I couldn’t see how any of this was going to work. I gave up. I hadn’t even started and I’d given up.

This morning after a good sleep  I went back and tried again. I found the text, I ordered the book, I spoke to my lecturer, I printed out my subject outlines. And then I went to swimming. It was easier this time, I swam a few laps non stop, one of my tumble turns worked and I could breathe, this time I really felt like I could breathe. Yes, I’m still fatter, I’m still slower, but I felt more comfortable, I could feel that I was better than I was last time. I remembered something I read earlier in the week.

change

I’m making my way through uncomfortable, it’s both awful and wonderful at the same time. Now, back to the study.

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