Before You Get Arrested

I have a friend on Facebook her name is Kim Berry, we have never met. I can’t remember how many years ago that it was that I began reading her blog but she made me giggle and there was an immediate feeling of admiration. Admiration because she’s had some struggles that I haven’t, struggles which she talks about with honesty and humor. And maybe because I’ve heard her voice on the radio, seen numerous pictures of her, and read so many of her thoughts – maybe that’s why I feel like I know her? Or maybe it’s because we’ve shared stuff with each other. Comments that aren’t just comments, they’re ideas, thoughts, confessions.

I have another friend called Kayte Murphy. I haven’t met her either. We’ve emailed and shared messages. My Henry sent her Jack a video a few years ago, I can’t remember why, but I think there was a rainbow barbie involved. Henry’s asked me a couple of times if Mrs Woog has said anything about Jack lately “Has he had any more parties? Do you think he’ll have another disco party?” In a way that no-one else will ever understand, Kayte writing about Jack changed Henry’s world. Our days of princess dresses and barbies seem to have disappeared which I have very mixed feelings about, but there are often times when I need to remind all of my children that we don’t have time for haters and to remember Kayte’s “we’re too busy being fabulous”.

There are others, Beth from BabyMacEden Riley is a wordsmith, I wait impatiently for each post. My fellow expat women, too many to link to, but they know who they are. Women whose links litter my feeds on a daily basis. Recipes that I’ve borrowed, tears that I’ve cried, giggles, many many giggles.

Which is why when people send me emails saying they feel embarrassed that they refer to me as Kirsty their friend in Qatar, I get it. I do the same. Recently a reader called Mary told me she really wished we could meet because she’s constantly referring to me as “her friend in Qatar”. I love Mary’s comments in my feed, we have a lot in common. I found her on Facebook, sent her a friend request “okay Mary, let’s make it official, lets be Facebook friends.”

My mother has online friends of a different kind, as an avid fan of Words with Friends and Farmville, she now has friends all over the world. They chat about the weather, laugh about the fact that while some of them are sweltering in South Australia, others are shoveling snow in the US. My Mum often talks about them in conversation, their families, their holidays, what it’s like where they live. They have their own little online community where they check in and check out. Perhaps the modern day pen pal with a twist?

A friend who blogs told me about an online site for blog haters a couple of years ago, she’d been mentioned and was hurt. I went to have a look, pages and pages of “Can you believe she…?” and “Ugh, have a look at…” I found myself giggling at a few of the comments, they were relatively harmless and I get it, sometimes if you disagree with a blogger it’s very hard to write it in the comments without being jumped on by other readers. What I don’t understand though is why you’d keep returning to a blog that you didn’t enjoy?

I don’t read every post of Retro Mummy but I’ve liked her on Facebook and this morning when she popped up in my feed with the heading of why things have been a little quiet over here I immediately wondered if she was pregnant again. Curiosity had me clicking on the link, I love a bit of baby news. It was this paragraph that had me in a cold shiver, right after the great news that they had sold their house and were having a baby:

I chose not to share the house because unfortunately someone had an alert set up for my suburb and the night it went on the internet they shared the address on my hate thread for everyone to see. It was very upsetting and you’ve probably noticed that I’ve been sharing less of the personal stuff after that all happened.

Okay, enough. This is when things get creepy. So you don’t like a blog post, you need to vent, I get it. But now you need to share her address? What comes next? Do you drive past her house? Do you park nearby and watch her arrive home from school with her children? Do you knock on her door? Can you see how creepy this has become?

I have another idea.

JUST STOP READING HER BLOG?!

Before you get arrested or wonder how you ended being that psycho online woman who began stalking someone whose major crime was to blog about sewing, knitting, babies and thermomix recipes. Let it go. Just let it go.

I don’t like everyone on the internet, but there are many places I visit each day which provide warmth, light, and bring a little extra sunshine into my life. Choose the sunshine. Follow the warmth. Don’t be a hater.

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Comments

  1. vegemitevix says

    Amen sister. A- bloody-men.

  2. Alli @ ducks on the dam says

    I had similar thoughts when I read that post this morning….. too much. Just stop.
    Hi Kristy in Qatar…….. friend 🙂

  3. Yep.

  4. I have struggled so much with the blogosphere these last two years. It is such a fine line between you owning your blog and your blog owning you. I’m slowly coming back after a weird hiatus. Funny old world isn’t it.

  5. Oh hello my friend in Qatar! I read Retromummy’s post today too, and I cannot for the life of me work out why people channel so much negativity towards her. Yes, I only stalk people I like! PS am having a full 24 hours in Dubai next week – any pointers?

  6. Annie Reuss says

    Yep. I’ve dropped off the blogosphere. I still read but rarely write. And you are my friend in Qatar … I’ve referred to you often. xxx

  7. Liz Killingbeck says

    I was always careful what I wrote on my blog or on twitter etc so as to not identify myself or my children. That sort of thing really scares me. I don’t blog at the moment, too many other things on my plate but I really should. Oh & I refer to you as my friend in Qatar” along with a couple of other (nice) monikers 🙂 So many wonderful people I met through blogging or twitter and have met IRL since, you number among them xx

    • Can you believe that not only did we get to meet but I got to meet you in Qatar?! Plus I got the bonus deal of meeting your sister as well 😉

      • Liz Killingbeck says

        I know ! I had thought it possible I’d meet you closer to where I live since it’s not far from where you grew up & instead my sister moves close to you ! I must be one of the few who’ve met you in Qatar since it’s not on a well travelled route. (I want to come back again soon, where’s that tatts win?) Of course, you may be on to your next country by the time I get there, like a few other lovely people I met through my sister. Lucky there’s facebook where I can follow and at least know where you are 🙂

  8. I don’t get hate reading. And I definitely do no get *that* particular hate website. It makes me feel sick that a place has been specifically set up to facilitate hatred towards people who write online. It is vile. I am devastated for poor Corrie. I had no idea 🙁

  9. Bravo! Best post I’ve read on the subject and totally agree with everything you’ve said.
    The whole hate read thing I just don’t get.

  10. I don’t understand the vitriol, and it saddens me. If people are feeling small and insecure, I think it’s much wiser to try to build themselves up, instead of tearing others down.

  11. DisneyMomof Two says

    What a scary situation. I don’t read too many blogs, maybe about 4 on a regular basis. One lady in Florida, ( http://juniesplace.blogspot.com/ ) I’ve adopted as sort of my surrogate mom. She writes such beautiful “small town” things. I would love for you to look at her blog, Kristy. I think that I’ve developed enough credibility with her that one day I’m hoping we will have lunch. I’ve waited 4 years to mention this to her in case she might think I was a stalker. Being “out there” on Facebook is scary enough. I’m glad there are women brave enough to do what you and she do. I’ve seen you at the ball field and I haven’t said hi – lest you worry I’m a stalker… haha. I can’t bring up my FB name… ?? Margaret

  12. Janet Richards says

    Can’t understand why some people want to deliberately hurt and upset others. Then I guess that’s why there are still wars in the world.

  13. I read an article the other day about the causes of anger. One line really stood out for me: Hurt people hurt others. The author said this is one reason why domestic abuse is often passed on to subsequent generations. We know that school bullies are a good example of that. It doesn’t provide an excuse, but it helps me get an inkling of what causes some to look for people and things to pick on.

  14. OM Giddy AUNT, this is appauling, I missed this on Corrie’s blog. I’m terrified. This will change the way a lot of blogger write, having to hold back wont make for the beautiful authentic style that so many use. #sosad #freakinscary #thinkingofyoucorrie

  15. Jane from My Encore Store says

    Excellent post. I only read sunshine…

  16. shambolicliving says

    Imagine if all the time and energy these people spent on hating was directed to helping others, discussing solutions to the many problems our world faces or creating things of beauty? It seems such a waste of person’s talent and intelligence to devote so much time to trying to destroy others. Consider at the end of your life weighing up what you have achieved and if all you’ve got to show for it is “I really got that b**** of a blogger good, made her life a misery” it’s not much for the lifetime of opportunities you had.

  17. So totally agree about ” if you don’t like what she writes, is, does, don’t read it” Biggest problem in the world is the amount of crazy hate with no discernible reason behind it.

  18. I live in (I think) a relativley non blogging city – but have to admit that if I travelled and I saw one of the bloggers that I follow I would do either of two – one; gush over and embarress myself quoting (or mis – depending how frantic I was in excitement) favourite posts and that I “love” them (really… love?) and then ruminate for days on what I had actually said and then rework the whole event in my head to perfect the whole scenario – or give really creepy sly looks in their direction not having the guts to go up and say hi – again followed by the whole rumination thing. Sharing this – just incase you bloggers are ever on the recieving end of either of these. I don’t mean to be weird, but…..

  19. Fi @ My Mummy Daze says

    GOMI ruined the magic of blogging for me. I lost trust in everyone and questioned everyone that I thought were friends. I really haven’t recovered from the criticism I copped. Bullying is nasty and not everyone has the thick skin to take it.

  20. Seriously weird to read and then write hateful stuff! why bother? They must have loads of time on their hands to plan nastiness. Yep one step from stalkers. I can’t imagine anyone stalking me out here in the sticks. Hahaha it would be amusing as they would stand out like dogs balls!! I did when I started blogging worry about my kids, but then their faces and names were splashed about in the media from their sport and I stopped worrying. I just made sure of ‘universal precautions’ in my child protection stuff so to speak. I haven’t written anything on my blog for a long time and that makes me sad. Real life kinda gets in the way sometimes.

  21. Must say I’ve read that thread on GOMI, I only have a small blog, not many readers but it’s been making me re-evaluate what I’m going to share, particularly things about my kids because people can be so nasty and you never know who is seeing your stuff and what they may do. Shivers. I’m really Lurching between changing a lot of the content or going “screw ’em, my blog, I’ll write what I want”. Veering towards the latter now and just making sure I tell myself to ignore the haters! Thanks for sharing. I haven’t read your blog but found it via Mrs Woog, I’m going to click follow now!:-)

  22. I read Corrie’s post today, and curious how someone could have a whole thread on a website about hating them thought I would check it out… I just couldn’t fathom people talking about another person in that context. Sure enough I found it, people speaking horrible things about a person they had (probably) never met. Sure Corrie blogs lovely things, recipes, her family, house, but if you don’t like it, it’s very easy to stop reading. Remove her from your blog reader. Unlike her Facebook. Done, end of story.

    The lengths these people spoke about her, over periods of time, saying how they didn’t like her yet some of the very few comments I bothered to read before closing it were, to me, bordering on a stalker type behaviour. One commenter, in one post writing how she dislikes the portrayal of her life on her blog and doesn’t like her, in another post quoting Corrie’s comments from Ravelry.. did they seek her out there knowing she visits so they could have more fodder for their hate posts?. I don’t know the ages of these people, but I know for myself, if I don’t like a blog/internet “personality”, I just don’t read it. Why take more time out of my day to talk about not liking something and seeking out more details on that person.

  23. TwitchyCorner says

    I totally agree with you, but you know what? No matter how hard you or I will try to understand it, there are those who won’t be persuaded by gentle urgings to cross over from the dark side. Because “hate reading” (just *why?!*, ffs) and snark are guilty pleasures for some that enjoy it too much to ever let it go. And yes, it’s well on the way to creepy.

  24. What_Sarah_Did_Next says

    I think of you as ‘my friend in Qatar’ also, Kirsty! And I told my Mum all about you – she lived and worked in Saudi Arabia for 8 years as a nurse, so she can relate to so much of what you write about here. I’m sure she thinks of you as her friend, as well!

    Life’s too short to be about hating. Can’t understand why people do it. They need to get out more, I reckon.

    xx

  25. Good post. I came across that hate threat for the first time today. It made me feel physically sick and sad that women could be so awful about other women. Go read a book, or play with your child or do something slightly more productive then reading blog posts for good bitching leverage!!!

  26. I don’t get the whole hate read thing either. If you don’t like something, then don’t read it.
    But………………
    Don’t flame me for this, I have a real problem with how much some people are sharing online about their kids.
    I am not comfortable about the digital footprint that bloggers are creating for their kids, without the consent of those kids.
    I just don’t think that kids need to be written about and their lives shared to the extent some bloggers do.
    I am totally disgusted that someone would stalk someone else and post their address online, but the blogger must have shared enough about her life and details of where she lives, to be able to be identified.
    That is equally as scary to me. The lack of for-site in watching what and how much you share with the world.
    Please, bloggers be careful what you share. Think about the legacy you are leaving your kids. You are taking away their right to create their own unique identity for themselves.
    And before anyone gets it all wrong, I will repeat again, I AGREE WITH THIS POST, PEOPLE WHO HATE READ AND POST VILE THINGS ON THE INTERNET ARE SAD PEOPLE.

    • Sami, I love your comment and this is exactly what I mean about people should be able to raise concerns or a different point of view and not feel that they are going to be “flamed”. I worked with a woman whose father was a columnist for the daily paper in Adelaide and he wrote solely of his family and their lives. Much the same as Richard Glover does now in the SMH. I remember her saying how weird it was when people knew about their “stuff” e.g.. when the goldfish had died etc, but she also said it was kind of nice. I can only talk on a personal level, but when I began writing I was conscious of keeping my guys identity private which is why they became the Little Travellers, but over time as the blog grew it seemed futile and the children all told me they didn’t care if I named them. They all have had their experiences of standing in the supermarket or at school when someone has mentioned the blog but if anything they seem to enjoy the stories, the blog is set as their homepage on the computer – there’s no secrets. What I’ve tried to do is write about what has been meaningful for us as a family, I’m not a great photographer and I never take video but I hope my stories will be something that they can return to. A moment in time recorded for them. Have you seen Marley and me? I think John Grogan gave his family the most wonderful gift with his observations of family life. Now, having said that, I can totally see that not everyone is heading down that path – and yes, no 14 yr old child wants their friends to return to their mothers blog and read about how they were found smearing poo on the wall at age 3. I guess that’s why we all have to be conscious of the stories we’re telling. Thanks for your comment Sami, hope I haven’t rambled too much in my answer.

  27. seventiesbaby says

    Haters seem to have an incredible amount of ‘free’, unaccountable-to-anything-but-the-keyboard time on their hands… which makes me hate THEM. Choose the sunshine. Amen x

  28. Vagabond Nic says

    Its scary the power that people now possess with the information to ruin someones life at their fingers tips. This story today sent shivers down my spine….is no-one noticing that this chick is messed up?

    http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/scorned-pa-stalked-her-ex-boss/story-e6freuy9-1225710555423

    Stay safe & unfortunately I think you have to be careful with the stories you post because 1% of your readers are going to wreck it for the other 99% of your readers that love, love, love hearing your tales. Sad but true…..

  29. I’d never heard of GOMI before and I sort of wish I still hadn’t. *sigh.* But I think I have a tiny insight into why people keep reading and complaining rather than just removing the blog from their feeds. I actually had a friend on FaceBook who was an aggressive, unhappy poster – he was the husband of a friend, to be exact, and a social acquaintance from one of the states we’d lived in in the USA. He is one of those who rarely posts, but when he does, it’s vitriolic, angry political stuff, tasteless jokes or photoshopped photos, most of it unfounded or from the sketchiest possible sources- and invariably diametrically opposite of my political and social views. Every time I read something he’d posted, I’d feel myself getting angry and want to respond, but I never did, in the interest of keeping the peace with his wife, who is a dear friend. The question is why I didn’t unfollow him months ago. He would never have known, his wife wouldn’t have known, I would have been happier, and my blood pressure would have been much more stable. What I realized is that it’s almost like I somehow got a sort of a rush out of the righteous indignation that I felt every time he posted something horrible. (and yes, I did eventually unfollow him.) All this to say that I wonder if that’s not part of what’s going on on the GOMI web site – people are actually enjoying some of these emotions, stirring them up and working themselves into a gossipy little frenzy. I’m sure there are many other reasons, but I just wonder if there isn’t a certain amount of pleasure derived from snarking self-righteously with other like-minded folk…Oh, and I’ve tagged you in a link thing over at my blog. I know we’re all busy right now, but if you get a chance, maybe you’ll have fun with the questions.

  30. Well said (this is my first visit to your blog)! I sometimes feel a bit embarrassed talking to real life non blogging friends about my online ‘friends’ too. I agree. Don’t like someone, don’t follow them. Don’t say inflammatory things or get creepy. Just step away from the keyboard! Sadly, I think people are invested in the drama of it all. I try to be guarded about my child’s identity and about where I live. I am sure a not so accomplished sleuth could figure it out quickly enough if they wanted to, but I try to make it a little harder. I feel sometimes that compromises the personal touch my blog offers, but I feel like I can sleep at night.

  31. Gayel @ Modern Mummy Mayhem says

    Gee this side of blogging saddens me. I feel for nasty souls that are wasting their lives on being so horrible. Blinkers on Bloggers … we are awesome … we do good for community of readers and let the haters go and hate!

  32. Andrea Hamann says

    Yikes. That is just insane!! so many sad crazy people in the world

  33. Exactly! well said. I dont know how they have the time to write, read or discuss any of it. I dont have time to do what i need to do let alone that stuff. Its a reminder that it is the internet the world can see what you write, be careful of how much you disclose. On the up side i’ve just found some bloggers on here who i would like to read 🙂 Great post.

  34. I think GOMI has been a wake up call to some bloggers. Retromummy is, in her words, now sharing less personal stuff. Finally!

    • I went to GOMI, once. I have no plans on going back. I didn’t see my name and I’d rather keep thinking that way than discover things have changed 🙂 I would strongly advise any blogger to do the same. Like I said, I understand the need to vent, but why keep going back day after day? Why not just choose to send the blogger an email letting him/her know why you won’t be reading any longer? I think that would be far more effective. I think GOMI is the internet equivalent of really nasty spiteful gossip. The kind of gossip you hear bitter and twisted people whisper behind the backs of others “Have a look how fat she’s got” “Ugh, look at what she’s wearing in that photo” “Omg, I don’t think she has any friends”. I have no idea if Corrie shares too much but I can’t see that anyone deserves the bile that GOMI spits up. Fran, thanks for your honesty in your comment. I hope my reply doesn’t sound too harsh towards the women of GOMI but I’m sure they’d expect/respect the honesty.

  35. Alison von Bibra says

    Hear hear!

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