We went to a park in the city today – grass is so much nicer than sand |
“We have to live on a compound?” G had arrived home from his look/see optimistic about a move to Doha, but he knew compound life was going to be hard to sell.
“Yes, and it has to be a company compound.” he smirked and raised an eyebrow. The double whammy. I mean what could be better than communal gated living where you all lived in exactly the same house? Communal gated living with everyone from work!
We’d avoided compound life in Jakarta, Kuala Lumpur and Libya, and I was hoping to do the same in Qatar. I’d never understood why anyone would choose to shut themselves off like that. I wanted to live in a street with locals as my neighbours, not Bob from Accounts or Julie from HR.
G tried to point out the benefits. The trip to Doha had wet his appetite for the role he’d been offered, he knew he wanted the job.
“The kids will be able to ride their bikes down to the park and swim at the pool, AND there’s a tennis court!”
I loved the street that we lived on in Houston. We backed onto a bayou and lived at the end of the cul-de-sac. After homework was done the children would hit the street with the neighbourhood kids for t-ball, skating and shooting hoops. I’d stand in the kitchen and glance out to see a child pushing another off first base, or watch a ramp being assembled for a display of skating prowess. Fights were had, teams bonded together, and usually someone came home in tears only to head back out again. Occasionally my irrational parental radar would register as a car drove past either too slowly or too fast. Would my worst nightmare be realized by kidnapping or car crash?
“And it’s safe, so safe!” G knew he was close to sealing the deal.
It was about a week after we arrived that I decided that we would never leave compound life. On weekends the doorbell sounds off at about 9 in the morning. For the duration of the day our house moves from 16 children in various states of play to a peaceful childless zero as the little travellers move from the park to our playroom. Lemonade stands have been set up, bake sales have been had, and occasionally the phone will ring with a parent on the end of the line “is mine at yours or are they all down at the park?” They run free range with one rule, come home when the lights come on.
I never go to the compound park, my only relationship with it is the sand that comes home in socks and the pockets of shorts (logistically I have no idea how that works). Recently I wondered if I should have been at the park more? Was it irresponsible? What if my children were badly behaved? What if someone broke an arm, or worse, broke someone else’s arm?
On the weekend at Blogfest13 I listened to a great talk by Professor Tanya Byron. I was completely awestruck by her ability to speak off the cuff, there were so many things she said that have stayed with me, but this one really struck a chord.
“Right, I want you to think about your favourite place to play as a child” she asked a packed auditorium. “Okay, if it was outside I want you to put your hand up”.
The entire room raised their hand.
“Now, how many of you had your parents there watching you?”
Not one person. Not one person put their hand up.
“Now if your kids were here, what would they have answered?”
There was silence.
I looked behind me and saw a room full of British women make a collective thought.
“You’re raising kids in captivity.” she said.
A girlfriend of mine admitted this morning that she’d left her kids at the park on the weekend and immediately felt guilty. She didn’t feel guilty for leaving her children, she felt guilty that she may have been judged by other parents.
“The kids were great, they walked back to the house themselves and I think it was really good for the bigger one to take on a bit of responsibility.”
When I thought back to my favourite place to play it was out on the street. My mother was nowhere to be seen. I fell off my bike, had a fight with the boy across the road, watched my cousins nearly kill each other with a cricket bat, and picked my way through an old wood-heap looking for interesting bits and pieces. In that time I learned how to interact with different personalities, how to find a space of my own, and more importantly how to stand up for myself (I was the youngest in the group). There were times I was deeply embarrassed, times I told lies and got caught out, and then there were some of the funniest times of my life.
I’m hoping that my own children are learning the same. Without the interference of adults it’s amazing what kids can work out.
When I think back to our discussion about moving to Doha, too much of it was about what the children would miss. I think we completely underestimated what they would gain.
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This is the session that resonated most with me too. It sounds like your children have a wonderful life in Doha. Lovely to meet you on Saturday.
I thought all 3 speakers in that sessions were brilliant, Jon Ronson had me crying with laughter. Loved our chat over lunch. Same time next year??
They were, it was an unexpected gem of a session. Loved spending time with you at lunch and I will definitely see you next year.
Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant! I’m sharing this on my FB page for all of my friends to read. This is a huge problem in society today. Our kids don’t know how to do anything on their own or even “who they are” because they’re not allowed to have any time to themselves to just test things out or figure it out by themselves.
Two weeks ago my 3rd (& youngest, who is 5 yrs) fell off his 2-wheel bike that he had just learned how to ride the week before. He fell in the street because he was doing what he calls “swirling” with the steering wheel & lost his balance. Anyhow, he knocked his front tooth out (thankfully a baby tooth) & bloodied his chin & mouth up very nicely. I felt very guilty because neither my husband nor I was outside with him. But my oldest son was across the street playing basketball & came running when he heard the first screams from his little brother. Everyone survived & my husband & I have decided that everyone should have a good “face-plant on the bike” story…& now our youngest has one too. If we had been hovering, he might’ve made it to adulthood with no great stories to share. 🙂
That was the single most memorable quote of the day for me too. Prof. Tanya is my new Icon. We don’t have kids yet but our lives are geared towards exploring the outdoors and enjoying our freedom, I would hope that when we do have kids, this would extend to them. The Project Wild Thing movement has really truck a chord with me on this issue.
Really interesting to hear your about own personal ‘captivity,’ how ironic that this inpoundment is the very thing that is enabling you to give your kids their freedom. Sounds like they’re having a blast.
In terms of kids and captivity in the context of technology, it’s fascinating to me that kids are penned up indoors to keep them safe and yet these captive children are exposed to equally (far worse?) disturbing horrors via technology….
I think it sounds great. We live in the country now, and one of the clear benefits is the kids have a bit more freedom. The streets are wide and safe, there are footpaths for them to walk on or ride their bikes, and lovely parks nearby. Everyone knows us. They can walk to the park with their friends – or ride – and come home at a time I set, and half that little bit of freedom and responsibility I had as a tween. I know exactly where they are and who they are with and it’s just down the road. If they were to go anywhere else, I would know, because someone would tell me. But they don’t, because they are thrilled, just to be trusted. And I can pop down there to check on them at anytime, with the ruse of bringing snacks or drinks! It’s so nice to have a community watching our backs and vice versa. Not exactly compound living but I get the advantage of it. My kids are getting a taste of the freedom I had as a child, and I think that’s invaluable.
I knew that conference would be a good one!
Now I want to move to Doha too…any room for us?
Ah, summer days spent climbing the big pear tree behind the house, or roaming in the fields as hay was being harvested, or jumping off roofs into those huge metal bins to land on the tiny metal shavings they contained, building “cabins” in the woods, falling not off but with my bike down the nearest creek… Happy memories now I look back on them!
When I was living in Lapland and thought that was where my children would grow up I was perfectly happy with the idea of free range kids and the freedoms they would have roaming around the countryside. Now that we live in the UK I’m less happy about it. Less sure. At least at the moment, at their ages. It’s the roads that bother me – those cars speeding through housing estates the driver only caring about being late for something. the way no-one stops to let you cross the busier roads. Gah. and yet I want my kids to have all the freedoms I had as a child.
I’ve just watch the Prof Tanya thing today. I wanted to be her! Your compound sounds great, like the road I grew up on. I do think it’s a bit of shame our kids (well mine) has replaced the freedom of roaming outside with a gang of kids and all that negotiation, laughs, losses and imagination in that kind of play for technology which often spoon feeds kids.
was fab to meet you even if briefly.