When Did You First Prematurely Ejaculate Dad?

The youngest little traveller is fond of a Q and A style discussion while making his way to school. In the middle of a podcast or a favourite song I’ll hear a faint “Muuuuuum” from the back seat which if ignored will build to a three syllable “MUUUUUAAAAAMMM”. The music will be turned down, the other travellers will stop what they’re doing, and the fourth little traveller will grin at the discovery that he now has the floor.

“Did you have other boyfriends before Dad?”

“Yes, oodles, but Dad was by far the best one.”

“Did you kiss them?”

“Yes! It was good fun.”

“Ewwww, that’s weird. Does Dad know?”

“Yes, but her prefers not to think about it. He’s kissed people as well, but no-one as good as Mum”.

“Can you turn the music up now” says the first little traveller, she’s heard it all before, and by the look on her face it’s making her feel ill.

Conversations about kissing are easy when you’re talking to a six year old. We’ve talked about special cuddles and babies in tummies but the details are still about love and romance. Couples romantically make decisions to be closer because they are in love. It’s all G rated with flowery music and soft tones. We are yet to get to the cold hard facts of logistics, timing and technicalities.

A friend of ours was driving his son to hockey on what seemed to be a very uneventful Sunday morning, when his thirteen year old son casually asked “What’s a blow job?” The conversation that followed was hysterical.  Clarifications were made between blowing versus sucking, along with possible time frames, and obtainable outcomes.

“I thought we were just going to hockey? But I found myself in a really heavy discussion about what constituted as sex”. As a parent, giving out the right information in a casual but informed way can be terrifying. What if I scare them off? What if I make them feel awkward about asking me questions? What if I actually don’t really know the answer?

“I’ve been asked to divulge information that I’d usually keep for after dinner and two bottles of wine rather than while I’m pouring my milk on my cereal at the breakfast table” said another friend.

“When did you first prematurely ejaculate Dad?”

Hmmm let me think about that.

“When’s a good time to start having sex?” a girlfriend of mine was recently asked by her son.

Probably not this weekend, you’ve got a Scouts camp and the Under 14’s baseball grand final.

What was that Scout motto again? Be prepared.

I’m working on my answers list for the next Q and A.

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