The Unhappy Expat

There’s a blurred line that often separates expats. It’s more complicated than new expat versus old expat. It’s the happy versus the unhappy.

Expats are visitors. Not to be confused with immigrants who have arrived to plant roots, expats arrive with a set contract or visa knowing they will never be offered a chance for permanency. Employed as worker bees, they are there to do a job, maintain the hive. Show us what you’ve got, remind us of why you’re here?

A new expat may display signs of culture shock and confusion, but with fear, there is an element of excitement. You may not like it, but it’s new. You’re learning something and gathering new experiences. Whether it’s the language, a new home or a new office, there’s something different to uncover. Even if it’s ugly or boring, it’s a new ugly, a new boring.

Until it gets old.

If there’s an ounce of doubt tucked away in the back of your mind about staying in your current location, you can be assured the unhappy expat will help you find it.

The unhappy expat wants out. The unhappy expat is done.

It won’t matter that your situation is completely different to theirs, they’ll find a common bond.

“We find we’re just missing out on too much”. You’ll nod. You completely agree. You are missing out on things at home, but you’re still okay with what your gaining from your experience here.

The conversation becomes darker, there are examples, anecdotes and urban myths. By the time you’ve discussed the traffic, money, the scorpion in the laundry basket, the lack of decent chocolate, and the fact that they’ve never had a good haircut, you’re ready to slash your wrists. What am I doing here?

This is when you need to talk to the happy expat.

Within moments of the call the happy expat is arranging to meet at her favourite restaurant. She tells you about her Arabic class and wants to know if you’ve got your tickets to see Spain versus Uruguay this week. She talks of a beach trip, a possible night in the desert and an award winning movie that’s playing in the cultural village. The colour begins to return to your cheeks. You immediately feel stronger, you can do this, this isn’t too bad.

Many expats unavoidably reach the day where the shine eventually dulls. A day when they realize they have slowly moved across the page from happy, to where should we go next.

If you’ve experienced the feeling of one more week being one week too many, you’ll understand the concept of being done, of wanting out.Β And when you’re a happy onlooker, there’s really only one thing left for you to do. If you love an expat, set them free. Start planning the best farewell party you can. It’s going to hurt, but you both need to be happy.

Ever been ready to move on? Or perhaps you loved a location while others around you have hated it.

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Comments

  1. Your posts, as usual come at the best times! I have been an expat in Germany for two years and are seeing many of my closest expat friends getting ready to say good-bye. It makes me sad and it makes me want to pack my bag for the next adventure as well. I find that the more I am around the negative people, the people who find Rome boring, or Paris dirty, the more I want to crawl into the suitcases of the “happy expat” so that when they leave, I can go as well.

  2. Absolutely. I’ve been there. I’ve counted the months, days, minutes left. I’ve wondered if I can keep going feeling so at odds with my environment. Of trying to find the romance in the things I used to love about my host country when I was still on honeymoon, as it were, there. In the end I had to leave. I know the signs, I know the feeling that it’s time to go. I just wish I didn’t stand to lose so much because of that decision to leave. The day isn’t done yet, but I just hope and pray it all works out. At the moment I am discombobulated.

  3. I think it is too funny that your list of things that the unhappy expat complains about are the same anywhere! You so hit the nail on the head…and if we ever live in the same town I would be thrilled to be your ‘happy expat’ call! Thanks for making me laugh out loud..as usual!

  4. I think many expats get to the point where they forget that they are having an opportunity that most people would give anything to have. Someday when you’re retired and safely tucked in your peaceful town Back Home, it’s the breathtaking desert sunrises and the call of the muezzin you’ll remember – not the traffic or the impossibility of finding sour cream.
    Sure there are negative things about every place you live, but – especially if you know it’s only a short-term thing – why make it miserable for yourself – not to mention those around you? I love those Happy Expats! They remind me of how lucky I am!

  5. These days we are really more immigrant than expat but I remember in our first stint here making friends with another Australian who was overwhelmingly negative about everything here. No surprise they did not last long.
    And I have been both happy and unhappy in my adjustment. This time around it is not all shiny and new, but more permanent, and in a way that has been harder.
    Thankful that the sun is shining much more brightly these days on this move.
    Michelle

  6. I have a friend counting the hours, for the second time. They were moving home last year but extended their stay, just one more season. She is SO done. I’m getting there. It’s all starting to look a little more tarnished than it has before. Although, having our oldest living in Aus “might” have something to do with that. πŸ™

  7. Hmm, I think I’m heading into Unhappy Expat territory and we’re here because of my work, not his. We moved from an oseas location I loved because of my work and I am struggling to get my head around making the most of this location. Ironically he loves and wants to stay and I’m casting around for other options. It IS hard when everyone else loves it and I’d rather be back in the last place. But I’m trying to make the most of it for the time we’re here and not be too much of a downer. Thanks for helping make this stuff seem so normal. πŸ™‚

  8. I did spend a little too long in place number 2 wishing I was still in place number 1 – I realised this when for the next 12 months everyone I met asked me, ‘Are you settled in a bit better now? You were really struggling the last time I saw you. Missing everything about xx.’

    I am trying to learn that lesson this time – I miss number 2 just as much as number 1 now we are in number 3. Fairly immersed in the locals here because that’s how it is in this country – that brings its own issues. Had a very rough first six months here but nothing to do with the move, just to do with family and ‘home’.

    Trying to get my head above water and focus on immersion in the next little while. Trying to avoid thoughts of the just announced company merger and keep on moving….being a happy expat πŸ˜‰

  9. Great post, just so’s you know. Cheers.

  10. You’ve made some really important points here, great post! I’ve been both, and when I was unhappy the worst I could do was be around other unhappy expats, because I am married to a Brit and so I needed to find ways to be happy with my lot, rather than ways to escape.

    And now that I am much more settled and happy, I cringe when I’m around the unhappy ones. I used to try to help, share stories about how this or that could help, how I understand what they feel, but then I realised that one or two coffee mornings wouldn’t help (so I’m writing a book that might help!). I meet up with one expat friend for coffee about three times a year and we connect online several times a week. The whole of the meetup consists of her telling me she has no friends. I realise she is down and feeling bad and she must mean that she has no friends in her neighbourhood but it’s a drag making the effort to meet up with someone and have them sit actoss a table from you telling you they have no friends!

  11. It is hard to accept that other people can have such an impact on your own happiness but it is certainly true. It is really worth seeking out the individuals that help you be happy and reducing the time with drainers if you are having a hard time yourself. Balance is usually restored fairly quickly and if it is not then it probably is time to move on.

  12. I have been both the happy, and the unhappy, expat on occasions – I can fully relate to this article. I have known many unhappy expats, and know exactly how their negative attitude can gnaw at everybody around them. Wise words about throwing them a party and letting them go.

    Thankfully, I am a happy expat right now, and surrounded by happy expats too!

  13. I consider myself more of an immigrant than an ex-pat at this point (though I am still called the “e” word often). I did not reach the “unhappy” place, but I have seen many, MANY people come and go in my 9.5 years in Mexico. It makes it difficult to make friends with “newbies”, expecting them to leave at any time.

  14. We are supposed to be going back to the US in the next month or so. I am ready because we have one grandchild who is almost 2 and will have another one in June and we now have a home to go to in the US.

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