I hate running

I hate running.

It’s not like I haven’t tried. I want to love it. I desperately want to be one of those people who smugly sits at the dinner party or the pub on a Friday night and says “I just don’t feel like myself if I haven’t been for my daily run”. I don’t feel like myself if I don’t get my morning coffee.  I don’t feel like myself if I’ve left my phone in the car.

I really want to be the other person, the running person.

But I’m not.

Running is the persistent old boyfriend. The one who floats in to town every now and then and wants to give it one more try. You know you should stick with William Walking or Eddie Elliptical, they’re so much kinder to your knees and ankles but Ryan Running knows all the right things to say. And he looks hot.

It’ll be fast. I’m cheap. You can do me in park, you could do me straight after school, you could do me at night. I’ll be there for you first thing in the morning. You’ve seen the other girls who’ve been with Running and they’re shrinking before your eyes. Five kilometres, 10 kilometres, now they’re doing a marathon. Maybe you could do a marathon?

Your DD’s don’t help. As you strap them in to your Uni-boob bra and feel a nipple brush past your chin you wonder if maybe you’re just not built for it? But you know that can’t be true. You’ve seen the others, they’ve done it.

Why couldn’t you make it work?

It’s been an off again on again relationship for way to long. In Calgary you took classes to “Learn to run” but after week 5 you found excuses. In Kuala Lumpur you bought a running stroller. After meeting a particularly angry snake you successfully ran backwards up a hill at record speed, remember the man who had to stop his motorbike and get off because he was laughing so hard at your style. The relationship stopped there. In Houston you began the couch to 5k program not once, not twice but three times.

So you begin again, run for 60, walk for 90, run for 60, walk for 90 – you’re half way there, 1 minute left. You’ve heard it all before.

This time it will be different.

Are you a runner? Any tips or am I just kidding myself?

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