Hotel Cyberspace

There were four little girls dancing in the lounge room, we must have been eight or nine. We were all giggling, music turned up, making up our own signature dances “you do this and then I’ll go like this and then you clap your hands”. That sort of thing.

In the middle of all the fun, my mother arrived at the back door and said we had to head home, I tried negotiating an extended stay, it didn’t work, so I said goodbye. When we were outside, I thought I’d give it one last try, I began the usual begging “just five more minutes, can I just stay for five more….pleeeeeeeease”. Perhaps, the most surprising part of this story, is that my mother then said yes.

When I raced back in to the house I immediately felt the air had changed, something was different. They hadn’t heard me come in and I was halfway into the kitchen when I heard them. “How good does she think she is?” one girl said in a tone that dripped with venom, “Did you see her? God she loves herself?” She then started imitating me and every one laughed.

As I slowly and very quietly backed out of the kitchen, I could feel a weight in the pit of my stomach, it’s a feeling I now recognize with nerves or a stupid argument that didn’t need to happen.

Sometimes, the most hurtful words, are the ones people think you didn’t hear.

Little girls can be vicious. That’s what they say, don’t they? Mean girls. We’ve seen the movie, watched the stereotypes on television, every series has a super bitch. As a mother of both boys and girls I hear it often from the more experienced mothers. The boys, they tell me, are going to be relaxed and easy going teenagers (who love their mother) but the girls will give me trouble, cattiness, acerbic tongues. “Girls get nasty”.

I’m not so sure if it’s just the girls?

I’ve been sitting around with a broken foot and a Macbook pro for just over two weeks and I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve spent way to much time reading online newspapers and other social media sites. I’ve also found myself reading the “comments” from the readers, and then the comments on the comments. This is where the fight usually breaks out and things starts getting personal.

Sure, some are complimentary to the writer, some are not, but some are just nasty. Nastier than high school, nastier than adult chicken pox and nastier than you would ever hear in a spirited debate at the office water cooler.

Last year, Annabel Crabb (ABC Journalist, amongst lots of other things)  wrote and presented an article about modern day Journalism, in particular, online Journalism. She pointed out here just how much easier it is to make a comment online than it is in traditional media. I think most of us would agree.

I’ve never put together a letter to an Editor that required an envelope or a stamp, but on a daily basis I will look or possibly comment on either Facebook, Twitter, Mamamia, the Huffington Post, Punch, The Daily Beast….I’ll just stop there.

This past week in the Australian media, the debate over the 17 year old girl who slept with an AFL identity or two, remains in the press. Interestingly, the last two stories I have read about her have not been about her story, but more on how the two female journalist felt about interviewing and reporting on her. Both stories, (here and here) provided a different perspective and because of this, comments were made.

Comments came from both men and women, some were general observations, some were funny, some were sarcastic and some of them were just plain mean, not witty, just abusive. I found myself cringing and visibly wincing as I read words like “Skank”, “Slut”, “Whore’, “Ho” and “Moll”.  It felt more like a public lynching, than a discussion. In a discussion that involved AFL, people had forgotten the golden rule, play the ball and not the man.

It’s easy to bag someone anonymously, but lets pretend for a moment there was a Hotel called Cyberspace. In each room of the hotel stood the people you visit online each day. Imagine walking in to find Annabel Crabb reading an article out loud to a group, upon finishing a man yells out “you will never be taken seriously until you do something about your ridiculous hair”.

In the next room Kerri Sackville and Mia Freedman are having a discussion about the use of bluetooth devices while driving, a woman screams “you eastern suburbs princess, get a job!”, a fight immediately breaks out in the crowd. A moderator swiftly moves in and starts removing people, delete, delete, delete.

In the next room Dave Penberthy is counting page views while grinning at the 400 people screaming at each other. He hasn’t said anything yet as they’re all too busy fighting with one other to listen, one guy’s calling the Prime Minister a “cougar” and a “barren redheaded spinster”, everyone’s forgotten what the original topic was.

The rooms at Hotel Cyberspace differ greatly, the New York Times has the boardroom with the expensive cutlery and mammoth flower display, The Hufffington Post has the large multipurpose conference area.

If I could choose, I’d probably put my blog over at the swim up bar, and while drinking cocktails I’d keep my fingers crossed that no one was about to arrive and tell me I look fat in my bathers.

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Comments

  1. Love this. I’ve stopped reading the comments sections on Sydney Morning Herald articles since 9 times out of 10 it devolves into insults and condescending offered opinions. While I’m sure some of these people would say the same things in a “real life” conversation, methinks the anonymity of the internet sours the ideal of “discussion” all too quickly.

  2. Kirsty, I completely agree. I think sometimes people forget that there’s someone with feelings on the other side of the computer screen. But that’s no excuse, and I will never understand why people choose to spend their time making nasty comments online. Personally, if I don’t like what I read I’ll either comment on the point (rather than personal attacks) or simply click away.

    Great post 🙂

    PS – I’ll join you at the swim up bar for a drink!

  3. Ahhhhh, the ‘keyboard warriors’. So brave when there is the whole of cyber space between them and the person they are vilifying.

    I don’t read the comments on news stories. THey are just too scary.

    I’ve been lurking on on some expat forums, to try and glean a bit of extra knowledge, and there are some angry, nasty people haunting these boards. Ironically, they were established to ‘help’ people, but woe betide the newbie who asks something that has already been answered back in 2006!!

    Great post, Kirsty!

    Thanks for letting me come for a drink at your swim up bar!

  4. Lovely post!

    I also shake my writing fist at people that hide behind anonymity, they are just bullies behing keyboards.

  5. I have virtually never seen a mean-spirited commenter who uses their real or full name, and they are nearly always vilifying someone who is, in fact, writing under their own name.
    It is easy to forget in cyberspace that people are real and have real feelings.
    I can’t wait to have a drink at your swim up bar. Does it serve chips???

  6. Appropriate after I lost the majority of the afternoon shaking my head at nasty Charlie Sheen themed comments!
    Great post. I was thinking about how much I loved the swim up bar comment when I read this, then I laughed out loud imagining blogging over at Kerri’s on the white couch that you can’t quite sit on, nibbling on nutella goodness. Mmm…

  7. Great post Kirsty, I would love to swim in your pool – in fact I would love your pool to be next to the Mamamia dining room table

  8. OH my god. I just wrote the most kickarse comment and my stupid blogger lost it on me!!!

    I just wanted to say, yes, I will join you at your swim up bar in Cyber Space. I will order Duck farts (google it) and mojitos in quick succession and not think about the horrible people that leave unnecessarily horrible comments on blogs.

    I’ve had a couple at MamaMia and on my own blog and found if I respond with just enough level headedness and sarcasm, they usually go away. Or they make plans to kill me.

    I also feel for you when you say you overheard those girls being nasty. I really don’t think, to be honest, the whole structure of some friendships and relationships move past the 6th grade. We all want to have friends, to be popular and to be liked. Now though, I reckon we are old enough to work out who deserves our friendship. Great post xx

  9. Love this. Don’t have anything to add, but I’ll be there at the swim-up bar.

  10. Great, great post.

    I wrote a post once on how blog comments can be a double-edged sword. When you invite people to comment, you have to respect differences of opinions to your own.

    HOWEVER…I believe, wholeheartedly, that even if you completely disagree with someone, you can always give your opinion in an honest, intelligent and polite way. The people who comment on MM and other sites that get nasty are, like Kerri says, mostly anon, and/or very brave making their point from behind a computer. I never write anything I wouldn’t be prepared to say to someone in person.

    Meet you at the bar, hon. x

  11. Are you allowed to go swimming with a broken foot? I’m coming to your swim-up bar (my favorite part of any decent hotel). I look fat in my bathing suit, but that’s because I am fat and I look fat in everything.

    I wholeheartedly agree with this post. I’ve never liked gossip because it is usually mean-spirited and passed along by those who would never dare say it to your face. I don’t make comments hidden behind the cloak of anonymity. If it’s something I can’t put my name on, then it’s obviously something I shouldn’t be saying.

    However, I do have a tough hide and mostly when people make bad comments about me, it just runs right off. I like who I am. If you don’t, that’s your problem. I like who you are too.

  12. I have no time or energy for nasty, anonymous commenters. They are a scourge on the internet, sucking away people’s energy and attention and riling them up over nothing. They are best ignored or deleted, IMO (or on my blog, I suppose). There is unfortunately a subsection of the population which thrives on that sort of interaction and they have found a milieu in the online media.

    I’m going to swim up to your bar, bringing my pale thighs and all, and join the fun crowd. x

  13. I am a newbie blogger (2 months old today). Only an hour ago, I was talking to my husband about how confused I am about finding my “true” blogging voice. In essence, I have to admit to feeling somewhat uncertain about saying things on my blog that might potentially attract nasty comments. And therein lies a danger for me. Because I don’t want to be anything other than what / who I really am. Clearly I will need to develop a thick skin.
    Though it’s already sounding a bit crowded at your swim up bar, I hope I can squeeze in too to join the party!

    Trish
    xx

  14. first of all I bet you look amazing in your bathers.

    Secondly, this is so true. Sometimes when I post something new on my blog I worry that THIS is the post that is going to be the one where I shall feel the wrath of the internet. It’s scary stuff.

  15. This topic is so timely what with the latest nastiness surrounding the Bonds Baby search. When grown women start paying out other people’s babies it is disgusting. If you can’t say it to someone’s face you should definitely not write it as a comment online. Great post, Kirst x

  16. Keep the lovely friends here, there and everywhere else you go.. And bugger those who aren’t aware or are too stoopid to know of the awesome friend & company you can be….
    The on-line knives and kitchen pans that were out when SMH did an interview with Sandra from $120challenge was a disgrace…. Just rude … Ignorant … Jealous … It nearly poisoned her with it’s barbs.. And then, along came a Mr J Birmingham who put it to the naysayers…well he just put it!! And a fair lady was saved…… But it sure can pack a punch that stuff that spews from the anons et al

  17. I am soooo with you at the swim-up tiki bar of civility, sipping a pina colada!

    Beware the scourge of blog trolls. NEVER feed the blog troll, just ignore it and it will go away. I can just imagine their dinner conversation with the Mr. (or Mrs.):

    Troll: And then I really let them have it. I told them how blankety blank blank they were, and then I explained what any blankety blank KNOWS, the blankety blanking blankers.’
    Mr./Mrs.: Oh, which commenter were you?
    Troll: I was the fourth ‘Anonymous.’

    Really, they need to get a life (or a blog) and leave everyone else alone. GREAT POST!!

  18. This swim up bar is looking very dangerous, what a great group.

    @sharpestpencil – I have relocated the swim up bar, it is now right next to the dining room, I will pass drinks, chips and chocolate sundaes through the window when required.

    Thanks for the lovely comments, I loved Linda’s comment about the 4th anonymous commenter. So true.

    Kx

  19. Fantastic post – I’ve stopped commenting on Mamamia for this exact reason. And Crikey for that matter.

    We have this culture of expecting young girls and women to be bitches. Behaviour is learned as well. They can be shown other ways of being by providing them with healthy examples of love and compassion.

    Would be very pleased to join your swim up bar – what a refreshing group of LL’s.

  20. Really enjoyed reading this post ~ thank you for putting it so succinctly. Yes, little girls can be absolutely horrid, but with age, we learn care & compassion and the true value of friendship. A carrot is much better than a stick!
    Would love to join this fabulous company at your swim-up but think I will just watch, don’t want to give anyone with harpoons an excuse 😉

  21. Really enjoyed reading this post ~ thank you for putting it so succinctly. Yes, little girls can be absolutely horrid, but with age, we learn care & compassion and the true value of friendship. A carrot is much better than a stick!
    Would love to join this fabulous company at your swim-up but think I will just watch, don’t want to give anyone with harpoons an excuse 😉

  22. Keep the lovely friends here, there and everywhere else you go.. And bugger those who aren’t aware or are too stoopid to know of the awesome friend & company you can be….
    The on-line knives and kitchen pans that were out when SMH did an interview with Sandra from $120challenge was a disgrace…. Just rude … Ignorant … Jealous … It nearly poisoned her with it’s barbs.. And then, along came a Mr J Birmingham who put it to the naysayers…well he just put it!! And a fair lady was saved…… But it sure can pack a punch that stuff that spews from the anons et al

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