Dear John (Cusack)


I’ve seen the headlines while standing at the checkout in the supermarket. The villain, the cheat. What was he thinking? Brad and Jennifer, Sandra and Jesse, Reese and Ryan. And now, I can’t believe I’m saying this, its John and Kirsty (or Jorsty) as the press commonly refers to us.

Yes, I’m as shocked as you are.

Some of you may remember the beginning of “Jorsty” back in October when I wrote this.That was back when John found me witty, entertaining and a scary stalker delightfully entertaining woman. I imagine he sat at home and gently slapped his thigh, chuckling while shaking his head “oh that Kirsty, so witty, so entertaining,how I wish she wasn’t with G, 4 kids, 20 suitcases and that adorable yet slightly psychotic beagle”.

It’s fair to say, John and I tweeted on different levels. He with pictures of himself dressed as Edgar Allan Poe, pictures of him front row or backstage at concerts, pictures of him taking pictures. He shared his politics, his concerns.

My tweets obviously had a similar depth, when discussing all words beginning with “V” with  this very funny man, I found myself giggling along at my own hilarity. Of course there are some obvious words that begin with V, and as I have the sense of humour of an 8 year old I tweeted this:

A vegan vagina…….now there’s a thought…..”sorry, my vagina’s vegan” #mostpoliteknockbackever27 Jan via TweetDeck Favorite Reply Delete

I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the day John and I broke up.

I’m not sure if it was the instigator, it may have been the conversation that followed about swim up bars, drinks with umbrellas and me in a hot tub (without a time machine) wearing a burqini. That was when John decided following 85 people was way too many, he had to drop it back to 63.

i unfollowed a bunch for no real reason but to follow some new people–will refollow after i do what ever i do next– there is a logic here

27 Jan via web Favorite Retweet Reply

Ahem, “a bunch” and “no real reason”. Just excuse me for a moment while I pick my self esteem up off the floor ( it’s just next to my unwrapped copy of 2012)

It’s been tough answering the questions from the paparazzi.

“Have you asked John to return the life sized salt and pepper shakers of G and yourself?”
“You bet I have”

“How hard will you fight for the custody of the beagle?”
“What beagle?”

“Has it affected how you feel about Twitter?”
“Never, it was a discovery of pure Serendipity.”


  • Rick M

    Lolgasm! I had no idea about your sordid history with Cusack…although I must say your vegan vagina tweet made me chuckle like a madman. Nay, laugh out loud. It was worth whatever terrible consequences it may have wrought :P

  • Phil & Bern

    Screw him. His loss. Where else will he find some highbrow conversation I ask you? If it wasn’t for one crazy summer, I’d be having a stern word with him on your behalf. :)

  • bigwords is…

    You win some, you lose some. Rick’s way funnier than John anyway!

  • Jacki

    His loss, for sure. You make me laugh!

  • meandmythinkingcap

    The “john cussack”..Wow!
    Me and my thinking cap

  • SDSJMcManus

    Thanks for the laugh so early in the morning :)

  • Leesa

    Hehehe I love it!! Screw him pfft you could of done so much better anyway hahahahaa

  • Nicola

    Definitely will create a stonking huge void in his life ;o) Your post made me hoot with laughter!!

  • Very Bored in Catalunya

    Ah well it was good while it lasted, think of the kiss and tell stories you can sell….

  • Tania

    I would think after reading your vagina tweet he would be doing A LOT more than slapping his thigh. But hey, that’s just me..

  • Langdowns

    Hysterical! Just found you. Glad I did.

  • Yummy-Mummy

    Ha ha ha ha!!! Thanks for making me laugh out loud!!

  • Anonymous

    So John is free now?? :-) ha

  • Fugacita`

    this is hilarious at ay level. are your books this funny too?

  • Anonymous

    I’m really sorry about this. I’m sure you are so heartbroken now that you probably feel that you would be “Better Off Dead” LOL

  • Kymmie

    This is so funny. I love that John Cusack follow(s)(ed) you! xx